20 May 2025 Tuesday

i hit some high intensity wave cycles of, uh...
extended overfixation on irrationally hyperbolic 
concerns. i'm starting to turn a corner again, so 
i'm back to writing here. 

it exhausts me to feel that way. 

i spent beautiful time practicing with a Zen 
Buddhist sangha some years back. at the time, i 
aspired to take Jukai, the taking of lay vows 
and precepts. obviously i wasn't ready, or it 
wasn't right for me. otherwise i would have 
maintained commitment to that intention, and 
followed through, and would still be practicing 
in that tradition now. i experienced painful 
responses to the sangha leadership's responses 
to wordly events, and i questioned my belonging 
in that community. then for unrelated reasons, 
i ended up moving far away, to an area with no 
nearby organized (or at least no publicly facing) 
Zen sangha.

with the wisdom of distance, i've wondered about 
my reactions. probably i was too emotional. i wasn't 
the only one having those sorts of thoughts and 
feelings at the time, and i think i asked questions 
with sincere intention.

but...
i think there was more of a Middle Way i could have found.

i'm very grateful for what i learned from the teachers 
and practitioners there, grateful for the dharma teachings 
they offered and the presence they shared. i am very 
grateful for the space and place and the opportunity 
to develop my practice and to find the healing i found 
in that environment during a difficult time in my life.

i did practice with sanghas in other Buddhist traditions 
as well, and i studied Yoga philosophy, and i participated 
in other spiritual communities. 

i'm missing that in my life now. i feel ungrounded, 
adrift in terms of my spirituality. i would like to 
find community again, but i know that a much-
needed first step is to return to my meditation practice.