20 April 2026 monday

i'm wrestling with the question of audience for this
journal. my inclination when i began was to write it
as largely a journal-for-future-self, with some
attenuation or veiling of detail at times to allow 
for the semi-public nature of a phlog/gemlog. 

but as personal struggles arise, it feels like i need 
to choose between writing for truth and memory, or 
writing in a way that isn't overly revealing of myself 
and other people in my life. i also consider that i 
don't wish to tire the potential reader (thought i don't 
imagine there are many, if any) with oversharing in
an uncrafted or unconsidered manner. 

anyway, long story short, we fought in the woods late
friday night, lost on a trail with faint music in the
distance. we fought this morning just before i left 
for work, and E didn't join me for our watercolor class
this evening. for now i won't go into exposition. 

in class, i painted a sunset beach scene based on a 
rough sketch i made one evening when we were living
in NYC together. the sky was awash in electric pinks
and purples, and the sun was a wheel of blood orange. 
two people in the distance faced each other. while there
were some nice aspects to my painted rendition, i writhed
a bit at creating something that felt childish to me. but, 
i know that it usually takes being bad to get better.  

E was home when i got home from watercolor. we'd talked 
briefly but deeply on the phone just before i left for class. 
when i got home, i tried to reach out with as much 
welcoming understanding as i could. he wasn't unkind, but was 
in one of the distant, unhappy places he seems to get into, 
and said so. we ate dinner. he went to bed. 

i practiced guitar, browsed some books, and wrote this.