The Blogger's Dictionary
by Jumper Bailey
http://jumperbailey.com

AUDIENCE: A mythical entity. The "audience" is a dearly held notion
fervently held by bloggers. Like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, its
existence has not been proven. Similar to the Santa Claus myth in its
presumed omnescience, the "audience" is believed to be ever watchful of
and attentive to the smallest detail of the blogger's every action,
knowing when the blogger has been sleeping, knowing when the blogger
has been awake, and caring.

BLOG: (1) An unforgivably ugly sounding word. (2) A collection of
writings which usually lives up to the sound.

BLOGGER: (1) A diarist in search of an audience. (2) A patient in
search of a therapist but unable to pay by the hour.

BLOGGING: The act of pissing in the wind without experiencing relief to
the bladder.

BLOGOSPHERE: A universe inhabited by the blogospherical.

BROWSER: An application used to receive error messages from a server.

CHAT: The process of exchanging emoticons.

CONTENT: A substance used to fill the empty space on a web page,
thereby giving it the eye-pleasing appearance of purpose.

COUNTER: A popular depressant.

DIARY: Blogging as practiced by those who do not believe in the
mythical audience. Unlike blogs, diaries require no electricity to
operate. They also have a greater likelihood of being read, especially
by younger siblings.

EDITOR: (1) An individual who reviews a written work to ensure its
accuracy, quality of writing, and interest to the reader. (2) A being
not found in the blogosphere.

EMOTICON: A set of keystrokes used to express the full range of human
emotions, a range which consists of smiling, winking, frowning, and
holding one's mouth open or closed at an angle.

EXISTENCE: The state of being, the attempted proof of which is a blog.

GOOGLE: Christ or Antichrist, depending upon one's religious
predilections.

HTML: A protocol for inflicting misery on the masochist.

HYPERLINK: A set of HTML tags which enables the user to flit from page
to page without ever completing a thought.

HYPERTEXT: Text in need of a sedative.

LIFE: A set of activities largely replaced by the making of blogs.

LMAO: A polite acknowledgment of another's attempt to amuse.

MASOCHIST: An individual given to reading blogs.

MICROSOFT: Antichrist or Beelzebub, depending upon one's religious
predilections.

MOBILE PHONE: A device which allows people to ignore each other from a
distance.

MOBILE TECHNOLOGY: The science of tethering people without wires.

PERSONAL COMPUTER: A mass-produced device seldom used for computation.

PHP: Not to be confused with PnP, which is the taking of drugs while
having sex. Usually illegal. I mean the drugs, not the sex. The sex may
be illegal depending on the circumstances. Where was I? Oh yes, PHP. I
really don't know much about PHP.

RANT: Primal scream therapy as practiced by those without primal scream
therapists.

SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION: An Internet-based role-playing game.

SERVER: A device used to send error messages to a browser.

SEX: An extinct behavior now experienced vicariously on the Internet.

SPAM: Informational alerts with useful get-rich-quick and
penis-enlargement tips provided by altruists free of charge to an
appreciative public.

TECHNORATI: An order of monks which has taken a vow of buzzwords.
Notable for their preference for black attire, clove cigarettes, and
trendy eyeglasses.

WEBMASTER: A slave to the web.

WI-FI: Coffeeshop bait.

WORLD WIDE WEB: An interconnected network of computers, widely regarded
as having a "world wide" reach, with the exception of the 71% covered
by water, the 13% too remote to reach, and the 15% too busy to care.