as is very apparent when you see me for the first time
is that i'm a very large, obese, man. i'm a tall, pear-shaped,
balding, bearded, black-haired, brown-eyed man. i walk duck-footed
and i jiggle when i walk.

i've been overweight for almost my entire life. clothes shopping
was excruciating for me as i hated the whole process to begin with,
but furthermore i hated seeing the size numbers growing over the years.
what's more, i noticed that later on the clothes that i ended up getting
were no longer trendy and were more generic, soul-less, business-
casual; they belonged to the older generations, not me.

at some point, i began associating clothing sizes with repulsiveness, i.e.
the larger the size, the more repulsive one is. with that, i deemed myself
repulsive and garbage because i was wearing clothing of sizes that were much
higher than what others wore.

decades later, this twisted idea hasn't gone away. i'm much larger now than
i was as a kid, but my attitude hasn't changed.

this phlog post was borne from what my therapist told me in our last session.
it was something along the lines of "clothes are supposed to fit you; you are
not supposed to fit the clothes". this seed sank into my brain and i've
been trying to catch myself being disgusted with myself because i'm still wearing
larger sizes, or that my current wardrobe includes items that are more snug
than they had been in years. once caught, i remind myself that i'm not supposed
to fit clothes; i am not supposed to adapt to the clothes; i am supposed to just
wear clothes. the size of my clothes does not dictate my well-being or fitness.
hell, the markings themselves are simply an indicator that sizes are different
- some larger, some smaller - relative to the other markings. what's more,
the markings themselves don't necessarily convey the same thing.
for instance, an XL in the US might mean 4XL in Taiwan, an S in the US,
might be equivalent to an L in another.

The point is, i need to really embed this new idea in my way of thinking as I
think it is one important step in loving myself - heck, even just
being okay with myself.