I invent a persona in my head,
from interacting with someone,
and then I judge my own action
from the persona I created.

I do something, then there is this
judgment, if this person would
see me do this they would judge
me.

I've had that a lot with my
dad. I created some archetype or
judge in my mind and I would use
his voice, or his persona to feel
bad about myself. This was a
creation that I didn't need to
fuel. I dealt with that many
years ago.

My ex wife was on some sort of
spectrum of bi-polar, on the very
'gentle' end of the spectrum. But
it was enough to create a toxic
relationship. I am not saying
that I wasn't to blame for the
toxicity, it takes two to
tango. But it did put me in a
place where I would never know if
she loves me or if she hates me.

We talked about that after the
relation was over, and she
confirmed my feelings. She had
long period of time where she
would completely despise me,
without saying anything. She
would find me gross, and
disgusting, and hate everything
about me. Not just a 'I'm angry
at you' but a deep hate. She
explained how she regularly
though about leaving me. And then
some time, she would love me
deeply, feeling grateful I was
helping her, supporting her, and
making a life for her and our
daughter. The relationship would
then swing from one end to the
other. I never knew what would
trigger her. I was trying to be
better. I though that I, alone,
was the problem. I felt like a
dog that gets beat up, but
doesn't know why, and still love
its master.

I feel like I'm deeply
traumatized by that
relationship. My ex-girlfriend
asked my if I would ever consider
going back with my ex-wife. This
freaked me out. My shoulder went
up, my stomach clinched. I felt
that I had escaped and survived and
thinking of going back was so
disturbing. It felt like a PTSD.

And I am not blaming my ex-wife
for this. I'm blaming the
relationship. Me, not standing up
for myself. My thinking I was the
problem all along, and my ex just
going along. We both silently
agreed that I was the cause of
her dissatisfaction of life, and
I was the only one who could fix
that.  

And I still feel like I am not enough.

I am not sure why. A part of me
doesn't want to get into a
relationship ever again, so I
don't need to deal with that
feeling. Yet another part of me
wants to get into a relationship
with someone who would praise me
so I feel good about myself.
Shreking on someone that I feel
'less' than me, so I don't need
to do better... It's strange.

It would be simpler for me to
never have to get into a
relationship again. But there is
so much learning and healing that
could come out of a relationship.

Right now I'm aimless, I feel
a relationship would become
everything for me and it would be
overwhelming for the other. I
would stop being me, and become
what I think the other wants me
to be. 

I got to find myself back. 

Get my shit together, focus on my stuff
for a while. When that foundation
is created, look for a
relationship that is healing on
many levels, sexual, spiritual,
creative, emotional etc. Be open
about my trauma, and where I want
to go with that. 

I'm also tired of going for the
girls that are attracted to me. I
want it the other way around next
time. I want to be the one
attracted to a girl, and going
for it. I don't even know if
biologically speaking it works
like that. But I've often been in
situation where I saw a person
attracted to me and I was like
giving into it. Here is an
opportunity, lets take it in case
there is not another one, type of
relation. It grosses my out when
I write it like this.

Well, I think having fun is fine,
if someone is attracted to me,
and want to have some fun, that's
fine. But then I feel bad to only
have fun, and I've faked loved
people in the past from that
place. Kind of forcing myself
into a relationship simply
because I had sex. That's a
crunchy bit. Maybe I should have
meaningless sex for a while to
cure that! Hahaha! Or only have
sex with people I am really
attracted to? That seems simpler.

In any case, I feel like being
single for a while, although
massively boring, is really
important. Get my shit together,
find some sort of direction, let
go of my self-judgment. Then
maybe another round of
relationship? Mhe, we'll see.

I wish I could heal that self
love without needing to be in a
relationship.