I got to the ferry and an old
friend was there, offered me a
pear cider. Ciders give me headache
so I refused. She seemed
judgmental about my choice, and I
refuted with the fact that I can
be "Oh so trashy" when I party.

"Right you smoke hashish sometime
with home grown tobacco."

I gave up trying to explain how
trashy I can be sometime. The
conversation continued toward me
being alone, and single without
anyone in mind for the first time
in so long. To which she answered
she was also single.

I've never been interested in
her, although she is a beautiful
woman. But I felt that everything
I was saying was interpreted in a
different way that I said it.

I mentioned I was going to a
party on Saturday, and I think
she took it as an invitation. She
is now coming to the party. And
then I mentioned how I am renting
a room at a motel to continue the
party after the party... I'm
worried she took that as an
invitation.

Looking back on the interaction,
I can see that it might have
sounded like I was inviting her
to all that. But I've never said,
hey come along it would be great.

I like how forward she is
though. It's refreshing.

Then I saw a girl. Emo, punk,
trashy a bit. I felt something in
my stomach when I saw her. I am
not sure why. Maybe she had the
same vibe as my ex? I couldn't
help but wanted to make eye
contact with her. I moved around,
went in my car (still on the
ferry.) She was walking in front
of the ferry with her boyfriend.

I was trying to get a good look
at her to understand what
attracted me, why I reacted to
her. Then my old friend came by
my car. Stood in my window,
wondering if I should simply buy
her a tickets and then she can
pay me back. She also needed
drugs, wondered if I had some.

When the couple came back from
the front of the boat, my friend
said hi to the boy friend. I
turned around and looked at the
girl. We locked eyes for a
second. We connected for whatever
reason. She wanted to look, I
wanted to look and something
click. She has huge eyes. I am
not sure how pretty she is, but
I'm attracted to something in
her.

I drove out of the ferry. I knew
the couple were driving in a
black mustang. She was on my mind
during the drive to my boxing
gym. And then I saw the car, a
couple car behind me.

I saw her in the passenger seat,
and when I got in town, they
drove next to me, I turned my
head, I looked, she looked, there
was a sense of familiarity. Why
was I attracted to her?

Boxing was great, there was a new
girl in the class. It's a small
group, only 3 of us that
night. She was quite cool, dread
locks, tattoos, piercing really
relax, quick on her feet, and not
scared to punch you in the
face. I'm really into a new style
of women lately. It was nice to
box with her. It's such a fun
activity to spar with people.

I then went for tacos and a drink
downtown. The same place as last
week. Same fun staff. It's a nice
feeling. And then I saw a
psychonaut that I use to give
shroom to. We never had a chance
to trip together, but I really
like people who do psychedelic on
a regular basis. I'd love to have
a bigger community of people I
could hang out with that does
psychedelic.

It was quite the afternoon filled
with different layers of
attraction and women. It's a nice
change of focus. Now I'm getting
excited to go party tomorrow, but
I am still unsure about this
other friend of mine. I guess
it's going to be a good
practice. I know the 'old' me
would probably like the attention
and I might even end up going out
with her. Not because I choose
so, but because she would choose
me.

Now I don't know if she is
interested, but I feel there is
some interest from her. I am not
interested in being in a
relationship at this point.

If it ever happens I really,
really want to be the one
attracted to the other. I want to
be actively going toward the
person. Too many times, I've let
things go and went with the ones
who were interested in me, and
then I kind of kept on the
relation so I don't hurt the
other... It feels really lame
when I write it like that. I
don't want to be lame anymore.
Like the girl on the ferry,
something pulled me toward her. I
want to follow feelings like
that, at the least!