Hello void, my old friend.
We meet again.

I search for some passions, for
some distractions. Should I pick
up a book, watch a movie, play
music, draw... All is available
yet nothing attracts me, nothing
excites me. I could get drunk,
get high, I have it all, yet I
have no interest. 

What then? A warm bath, a cup of
tea, some writing.

I had a good day at work, a nice
chat with a friend on the beach,
warmed by the sun, warmed by
mapacho. Karate was fun, yet,
once alone, there is a yearning
for something else.

Nothing happens around here. A
couple bars, where I'd go to
drink and eat unhealthy food. I
could drive for a couple hours to
hang out in fancier restaurant or
bar, but again, for what, to
spend some time, to make the time
move faster, so I can feel less
alone?

Find someone to warm my heart,
warm my bed? Someone I could tell
all my stories who would be
excited to learn about my life,
making me feel worthy of living?

It's strange to be alone like
that, I have a hard time to
motivate to do anything. When
there is someone in my life, I do
things for them, I better myself
for them. I care for them, I
expect them soon, in the next few
days, in the next week, so I can
prepare. Clean the house, buy
some food, buy some alcohol or
drugs, whatever they need. Clean
the stone for massage, plan,
think, get excited.

Now there is no one like this.
I'm okay with it, I'd rather be
alone than settle for someone
that wouldn't excite me. Maybe if
I wait long enough I'll just go
out and find someone, anyone who
wants to share this void with me.

We're all running away from that
void. I had a family before, I
was rarely alone. They would fill
most of my days, most of my
nights. My wife didn't love me,
but it was enough of a presence
to make the time fly by. Watching
tv all together, shows that I
didn't like, shows that would
make my brain go numb.

Am I at a place in my life  where
meditation is my only way? It
feels like that. Meditation and
writing. But even writing,
without a muse, without a goal
re-enforce that feeling of
loneliness.

Two friends of mine are visiting
Canada for a couple weeks, I
could drive to see them, but it's
a 7 and a half hour away. Another
friend is leaving for Peru, in a
week, for two months. What then?

Boxing, Karate, Tai Chi, Yoga,
meditation, work, work, work,
empty the house, still in
process. I'm probably just tired,
just not used to this level of
calmness, this level of void.

I feel that a lot of people would
envy this situation, the silence,
the calm, the void. It's a luxury
really. To be frank, I don't
dislike this. It's a monk like
living most of the time. But the
trade-off is this equanimity,
this peace, that is not joy, nor
sorrow, it just is.