3am I can't sleep.

A funny dream. I am looking for
some food, a piece of bread that
the store owner doesn't want to
sell. It's for sampling some of
the food. He pick up an olive
with the bread and show me, this
is how you would use it. He can't
sell it to me. 

There are few spices that I try
and really enjoy the taste. I'm
thinking about all the thing I
could cook with these. I could
only have a couple spices and that
is all I would need to improve
the food that I am eating

I'm buying other stuff too.
Something about a movie that
I want to shoot. A girl with deer
antlers. I have the antlers with
me, and the clerk doesn't like
it. I tell her these antler are
not from a hunt, but they fell
naturally from the deer. You can
see where the antlers connect,
it's rugged, not sawed off.

Reflection: do I want spice in my
life? Am I able to have a bland
life? Why am I dreaming of these
antlers? I want to bring back
more ritual in my life. The title
of a Japanese movie caught my
attention yesterday, something
about a ceremony.

I want to cast a circle, light a
candle, pray and meditate.
Something simple, something
powerful. A protection spell?

          .,oOo,.

I feel tender this morning. More
lonely than usual. I think about
the last few years. These have
been some crazy years. I can't
even believe how genuinely fucked
up these years have been.
Everything that led to the
separation and then everything
that came after. 

I wonder if I want more of these,
or if I want to calm down a bit.
Could I calm down if I wanted to?
Or did all of that created a
momentum, a trajectory that I
can't escape? Do I even want to
have a boring life? I'm somewhat
addicted to these memories.
Addicted but traumatized too.

"Wow, that was crazy, it was
intense, I enjoyed but freaked
out a lot. I'm glad it's over...
and I miss it too"

I am not sure what normal is
anymore. Going to a psytrance
party in the woods, helping them
decorate the place, dropping acid
and mdma, dancing all night. Then
coming back to pack up for
another festival for a week.
Traveling with my daughter and
camping and dancing for a few
days. That's now the normal
part of my life. This is
the plan for next week.

I chanted some mantra before bed
yesterday, I did some Tai Chi.
I want to make sure I keep on the
practices going in whatever
direction my life it taking me.

A ritual just materialized

A mouse in the storage
next to my antlers
I bring them out
I put them on the floor
I bring a candle
I bring the bowl of incense
as an offering

I use the sand
from the other bowl
I rig a bamboo straw
with a funnel
Pour the sand in
so I can cast a circle

I bring out my analog synth
plug in the effect pedal
the sampler
A few notes
some delay
some reverb
a vibration
is created

I draw the circle
just for me
just for this
I light the palo santo
I light the sage

I smudge myself
I sit in the circle
I wonder what is this for
What do I want?

I want to keep my energy
for my own self
to bring awareness
on how I use this energy
to stop the leaks
to own all of it

I am surprised
by my intention
it is simple
I feel protected
I chant to the vibration
of the synth
I chant to myself
to my energy

The mice abound
they distract me
there are too many
like the leaks
in my energy
I need to close them
I need to clean
my energy

I close the circle
I clap my hands
I clap my fingers
I filter out the synth

I haven't had a ceremony like
this in a long time. I feel
refresh although it was only a
few minutes. The ritual makes the
practices more potent. I want
more of these. Maybe bringing
some psychedelic in?

I feel like I need a good
psychedelic journey to reset some
of my thoughts and vibration.
Maybe during the week?
Or during the psytrance event?

This ritual is enough for now, it
was quite needed.