Gentle mushroom trip yesterday.
I went to the beach, brought the
boat higher as the water is
coming up. The effect came a lot
faster than anticipated. I sat
there on a rock. Looked at the
storm brewing over the mountains.
Remembered a happier time, with
my family, having fun on the
beach.

A few tears.

I don't miss my ex-wife, I miss
the family feeling. I was
probably miserable during that
time, but my selective memory
tends to remember the happy time
mostly. The hardest part is to
only see my daughter half the
time. Life is different when she
is around, and then I am back to
myself.

I'm emotional today, and aimless.

For every action, I ask "What
would she say? What would she
thinks?" Who am I talking about?
There are no more wife, no more
lover, I don't even have a crush
on anyone at this point. Nobody
is attracted to me in a romantic
way, yet I'm still gauging,
judging, wondering if what I do
is appropriate for the other.

It's strange and tiring. I feel
like I am not doing anything for
myself, but mostly for what She
(whoever that is) would think.
I limit my existence to the
judgment of an imaginary lover, I
can't live fully because I judge
my action by proxy.

Can I just be? Can I just live?

The mushroom trip started me on a
clean up of the house. A last
push in a two year process of
emptying the house from our
family life. It's not so much of
a big house, although it has 5
floors, studio, basement, storage
space, but we packed it up so
much over the course of a decade.

Today I can't help but continuing
the clean up, a little more here,
a little more there. A trip to
the dump tomorrow with a car full
of stuff once again. And then
I'll have to deal with the
storage under the bathroom, then
the beach has accumulated a lot
of stuff. I'll need to hire
someone with a pick up again, to
do yet another round of clean up.

A part of me want to escape in
the arms of a lady. A part of me
still miss my ex-lover. A part of
me doesn't want anything to do
with romance. Life seems to
simply put me in a place where I
need to clean up my act. Clear
the house, minimize my
possessions, clean up my personal
economy, a process of liberation
on the material plane. All very
boring, while my mind keeps on
shouting that I'm doing a lot
better than a lot of people, lets
go party instead. 

All of this gets aggravated by
the fact that I am so close to
this goal. I have very little
debt, and I am a couple weeks
away from having gotten rid of
everything that is not useful for
me in this house. I know the last
steps in a process is always hard
for me. An insurmountable
challenge, a last battle for my
freedom. And then I do the deeds,
and all is fine, nothing is
really different.

Better to get back to cleaning,
no one else will do it, even if
no one really care anyway.