A night without much coughing,
this morning everything wants to
come out. I'm still sick, but
everything had slowed down. I'll
make a neti pot later today.

My lungs are getting rid of the
accumulated stuff left form
vaping. A good reset for my body. 

The mantra is really helping
right now. Every time this
thought arise, I recite one
mantra. It's long enough to
appease the mind. I say 'this
thought' because it's not a
precise thought. It's not when I
think about her, or when I feel
lonely, or another precise
thought. It's a certain spin, a
certain self defeating judgment,
that takes many forms.

It's like an imaginary demon. It
has a mind of it's own, has a
goal, or a purpose, but then it
hides behind any thoughts that
could fulfill its purpose.
It's not only saying that I am
not enough, but saying things
like you are not living your life
fully. By repeating these
affirmations, it accomplish its
goal of making me no live my life
fully.

Look at you doing this and that,
what would she thinks? What would
they think? Then I move on doing
something else, and it's like,
look at how pathetic you are at
"drawing" || "playing music" ||
"tattooing" what would they think
if they would see you doing this
so badly. The 'they' and the 'she'
could be my parents, my ex
lover, a crush, someone I
think is cool, it doesn't really
matter. The 'they' represent an
external force I want to live up
to, but I never arrive there. I
am never enough for 'they'.

It does motivate me to better
myself. But I have that
motivation anyway without the
self defeating judgment. I've
always been curious and I tried
to do everything all the time.
I like to practice, and become
good at many things. 

On the spiritual path, you could
say that you are never there
too. There is always something
more to do, in order to reach
whatever form of enlightenment,
or liberation.

So there is a positive aspect to
that demon, that it's always
there and triggered by many
actions. But instead of listening
to it's complaints, I use it to
repeat the mantra I am
practicing. It's a 4 lines poem,
so it's long enough to change the
energy. Now I am not sure if it's
because I am sick, with my energy
on a different level, but
yesterday as I recited the
mantra, I played music, I drew, I
wrote, I practiced tattooing, I
did some shadow boxing, I even
practice to stand on my new long
board.

Yeah longboarding is a new thing,
never did that before. I've had
one here, sitting, in need of
care. I took it apart, cleaned it
up, painted it, put new grip tape
on it. It looks really cool
now. And I've been trying to ride
it. Yet another thing! I'd say
that restoring it was the fun
part, I am not sure I feel like
learning to fall from it all the
time. I even painted a spider
lily on it. A flower I've been
studying for a tattoo practice.
Anyway, a good example of me
doing new stuff all the time.

We'll see where the mantra goes,
but it seems to really clear the
energy. I've known that for a
while, but I feel the length of
the mantra is really good to
cut the mental chatter. With
that demon in the background,
which is constantly trying to
trigger me, I feel like it's a
good teamwork.