This is a recollection of my
trip, written over the last few
days. The text isn't polished at
all, moving from past tense to
present, but I wanted to get it
out while it's still fresh on my
mind. It happened during Torii
Moon Garden, and psytrance event
in the woods of Bc. Torii being
the gate that separate the two
world, a gate that I crossed many
time during that event. 

I don't remember too much the
beginning. I had too many micro
dose that turned into a macro
dose. I was too dizzy to dance,
so I went to chill. 

There was a tent that was setup
like a harem. Low ceiling with
Persian rugs, we were all sitting
in circle. Every time someone
said something, a whole world was
created. Every time someone else
said something, this whole world
would be destroyed. I was
forgetting who I was, I was
melding with reality.

A girl started to talk to me as
if she knew me. I looked at her
with questions in my eyes, then I
realized I knew her. I had a hard
time to make the switch in my
mind and I had to look at her
intently to be sure I knew her.
My memory function wasn't working
well, my 'self' was dissolving
quickly. 

A girl I met in a previous party
showed up. We had a good time a
few months past, as she was
pretty crazy, but this time
around I didn't recognize her. 

I'm May. From the last party. We
chatted and ended up in cuddle
puddle by the fire.

What the fuck are you talking
about?

She looked at me weird, then I
got it, I remembered her. 

The acid was taking over as we
started mind fucking the reality.
Just twisting the reality enough
to make it weirder. Role playing
being crazy, I liked where it was
going. She seemed to get excited
about playing like that. I was
easy for me as my mind was fully
melting. 

She was with a guy. He didn't
seems to understand too much what
was going on, he seemed a bit
triggered by how crazy me and May
were going just after a couple
words. I was really excited to
bend reality even further, I
think May would have love to get
all crazy mental with me, but
that might not have gone well
with her date.

Shawn was too high and was lying
down on the ground. It was
helping me keeping my cool
because he was there when my trip
started. He was laughing
once in a while as I was getting
weirder and weirder in my
conversations. 

I talked to a few people, I
didn't understand much of what
was going on. Was I attracted to
people or people were attracted
to me? The whole human attraction
was becoming to hard to grasp,
the whole human existence was
getting to hard to be.

I asked a guy about God. He
started explaining his view of
God. I asked him;

What is God was a bitch?

I wanted to tease him. He liked
it. We talked about how God is
weird and crazy, but how I like
it like that.

I told myself, I should center
into presence. I closed my
eyes. This cube of light,
rotating slowly in a mandala of
light crystals, a sphere
encompassing the whole thing.

The hallucination were too
intense when I closed my eyes so
I kept them open. But slowly
the two reality were merging. I
would flow wavering from this
enlightened state to my normal
self. 

A realization of this infinite
repetition of pattern. You don't
realize it, as you are always
heading forward. But then you
turn around, and you see the
fractal of the repetition of
reality. And somehow it's too
late, you cannot unsee or stop
that pattern. 

Memories of my whole life kept on
coming back to me, as if they
were not mine. I was in an
ego-less space, and my ego kept
on creeping back into that space.
Memories would rush back in, and
for a moment I didn't know what
they were. Then realized it was
my life, these were my memories,
this life was mine. I didn't like
it. It felt tactile, it felt
physical, raw, wet, human,
emotional. A rush of all what it
means to be human kept on
flooding my reality and then
dissolving. 

One moment I was pure light,
spheres and cubes of reality
shimmering and rotating. Then the
creepy, human, dirty self would
infiltrate my state. It was a
gross feeling of human trauma and
sexuality, and discomfort.

Wavering between full
enlightenment, pure light of
existence, and this somewhat
putrid human life. It was very
shocking to sway in between these
two realities.

My whole timeline of life was
becoming this flat almost like
one dimensional shape. But I was
multi-dimensional. I would
move from this wholeness filling
the universe, to this linear life
that was so tiny and negligible.

This 'linear' life of mine was a
dimension below the one I was
experiencing. As if I was in a
fourth physical dimension and my
existence was in three
dimension. But as my brain had a
hard time grasping this feeling,
I remember it more as if I was in
this light filled place in three
dimension and my life felt like a
two dimension linear reality. 

But this two dimensional life had
some layers to it. Like inside a
tree, my linear life had these
rings representing the trauma I
was carrying with me. Each time I
would morph back into my linear
life all these trauma would come
rushing back into my experience.

As the trip progress, more and
more of my life 'line' was coming
back, with the most
uncomfortable parts being the
thicker part of my reality. I
went into the darkest part of my
self and live there for a moment.

        The Storm

I start hearing rain. I keep on
asking a guy next to me. He said
no that I was hallucinating. Then
more and more rain was coming
in. Then the storm hit, right
that the top of my acid trip.

I get out of the tent. The wind
is tearing through the
decoration. I hear some trees
falling. There is so much rain
that small rivers are flowing on
the ground. The thunder is
raging, the party is still going.

It's the end of the world and I
will die on this mountain. There
will be landslide and they will
recover our body tomorrow in the
river.

The intensity of the trip, the
intensity of the storm, the
intensity of the music, all meld
into this one last dance, the
dance where I will die.

I laugh an dance in the rain, I
cry a it is my last moment on
earth. I dissolve in the light, I
can see the mandala of light
rotating around the stage. I'm
completely filled with the light,
and keep on dancing in the rain.

The power goes out for most of
the party, but the music keeps on
playing. Only a few hard core
partyer are still dancing,
covered under a tent. I stay in
the rain and just loved the
sensation. All my gear will be
wet, my phone, my laptop (why the
hell did I bring my laptop here)
but it doesn't matter, nobody
will make it alive tonight. 

I start to worry about the
people. Are we in a situation
where we need to save other
people. I start to freak out a
bit. I go back to the tea house.
The owner there seems also really
high and talk in a way that this
mountain might get washed out.

I worry, I go back to my
camp. I'm fully hallucinating
rivers and puddle all around the
forest. I finally get to my
hammock, everything is wet.

I go back to the dance floor, the
power came back in. Soon the rain
calm down. Everything slowly
comes back to normal. People go
change to not be wet as they
were. I'm mesmerized. Are we
going to all survive? I don't
have a change of cloths. My pants
are thorn, my hoodie is wet and
dirty. I feel out of place. 

      The Shadow Dance

I was a disgusting human being,
dirty, old wet and ugly. Hiding
on the side of the road. People
found me disgusting, so I
couldn't go on the dance floor. I
couldn't sleep as everything was
wet. I was cold and into an
psychosis spiraling down.

I didn't have a car, I didn't
have a place to go. I didn't have
anyone to help me. I was dirty,
cold and alone, on the side of
the road, looking like a homeless
drug addict that should simply
ends his life for the greater
good. I was to die of
hypothermia, alone, forgotten. 

My sexual desires were perverted,
I was hurting anyone I would
desire. I was hated by everyone.
People talked in my back, people
who knew my daughter saw me and
were saying how disgusting of a
human being I was. I was probably
trying to lure some people to my
camp, each time I was going in
the woods. 

I was scared to even urinate in
the forest. What a pervert
playing with himself in the wood.
You are a disgusting human being.
I spent an eternity to find a
place to pee in peace where I
wouldn't get arrested for being a
pervert. Holding my small flaccid
penis in my hand. You are old and
disgusting, what are you doing in
this place with beautiful young
people.

I tried to go back to the
dance floor but with my torn
pants and my wet hoodie I felt
everyone were disgusted by my
presence. I was scared.

I sat at the river. I was
disturbing everyone around me. I
was trying to keep my shit
together, but this person next to
me felt I was really weird and
felt very uncomfortable. I ended
up wanting to say something, to
even apologize, but when I turned I
realized there was no one there.

A women came to sit there, she
talked to me, as she knew me, but
after a few words she wasn't sure
anymore. She asked, "I know you
right?" She didn't recognize who I
was anymore even if we talked a
few minutes before. I was so not
the same anymore, I was so hating
of myself, I felt I wasn't the
normal me anymore.

I was so deep in the woods,
nowhere to go, stuck so far.
I needed to run away from this,
all the effort it would take to
extract myself from this
situation.

I walked around. A woman at the
entrance booth. I went to talk to
her. I ate a fresh pepper. It
made her laugh. I looked into her
eyes. A flash of light, her eyes
widen, did I hallucinate that?
Then the spark, the thunder as if
it entered my head exploded over
my head. Although I was massively
bad tripping, there were still
some sparks of very enjoyable
moments here and there. 

The wavering back into wholeness,
filled with light, was thinning
out. I was able to center myself
a bit more, but the shadow, the
dark, the bad trip was taking
over.

I knew it would pass at one
point. I just had to make it
alive until the sun rise. All my
gear was wet. There was nowhere
to go. I tried to wrap myself in
my sleeping bag even if it was
wet. My back was cold. The rain
was still falling on my face.

I tried to put all the stuff in
my hammock, so I could lay on it,
I tried to dry my sleeping bag
for a moment, and then wrap
myself into it. I lay down for a
moment. Am I getting into
hypothermia. Is this warm feeling
the feeling you have before you
die. Will I die alone in this
forest.

Wavering between being okay with
dying, and hoping I will
survive. I was crying, being
disgusted with my life, and
wanting to do better. What just
happened? Why was this so
intense?

             The Sun

I could see through the branches
the sky was clearing up. I cried
tenderly. I would survive. I
would have a new life. I want to
make amend, I want to
change. There are many aspect of
my life that I want to care
for. My work, my daughter, caring
for my body and mind.

The whole experience was so
intense, and so vivid. I couldn't
just go back to a normal reality.

I woke up this morning, a few
days after the awakening, and
it's still strongly rooted in my
reality, like a crystal embedded
in my soul. The last time I had a
blip of a samadhi experience, it
changed me for a few months. This
new experience, that pushed me in
an out of my corporal, physical
experience into consciousness,
has reprogrammed my whole vision
of reality.

Although I was afraid of the
experience as it happened, I'm
already tempted to go back
there. To learn more about myself
through this process of
dissolution.