I dream of Radha.

She is beautiful and I enjoy the
embrace of her body. She loves
sniffing glue though, and I think to
myself, if it's the only problem
she has, I'm okay with it. I try
to break into the school to get
more glue for her. There is a
camera filming me. I feel stupid.
I am unsure I want to continue
the relationship. Is it worth it?

I met Radha some twenty years ago
at a teen camp at the yoga school
I was living at. She is a few
years younger than me. I felt
quite unholy at that time to be
attracted by her. She also has
the same name as the founder of
the yoga school. I don't think
she remember meeting me
there. But I've seen her around
again and again ever since. 

She lives around here. She has
been struggling with drug
addiction with different
partners. She still is a beautiful
woman, the only woman I would
consider dating around here.
Since I've been single, our
interactions have changed. She
used to be really happy to see
me, now she seems a bit shy each
time we talk to each other.

Impossible love

I wonder if I prefer to reach for
impossible love, so that I don't
need to be in a relationship.
Maybe I prefer the fantasy over
reality. It might be part of my
healing, getting back into a
normal relationship for a while
to heal some other part of who
I am. Writing these words, I have
a strong aversion to the words
normal relationship... 

Meditation on a Thousands Suns

There are 7 x 10^27 atoms in the
human body. There are 10^24
stars in the 'observable'
universe. So I extrapolate that
there are probably 7 x 10^27 suns
in the universe, at least for
this meditation. One sun per
atom. 

This meditation comes from many
practices and visualization I've
done over the year. The Taoist
have a similar idea, but not as
defined, while the Ashram I
studied with has a meditation
call Divine light invocation with
some similitude. 

This is not a refine text, simply the
conceptual idea, I'll record a
meditation shortly to be shared
on my yoga page. 

It goes something like this.

Sit or stand

Close the eyes

Breath, bring the mind here and
now. Feel the life in your body,
the vibrations. Know that all
life is possible because of our
sun.

Now visualize our sun. This ball
of energy, ever giving, creating
warmth and life. There is an
almost infinite amount of power
the sun can share. As a human
being, we only need a tiny
fraction of that energy. Feel
that energy, being grateful,
connected to the source of life.

[ This part can be expanded in an
almost divine / god like figure
of the sun. I feel that from all
the stuff in our universe the sun
is well placed to be a god
figure, as of black holes,
planets and moons, mountains,
trees, mushroom... but I digress ] 

Now expand your reach to the next
sun. See the sun in front of you,
connect with it. A thin strand of
light, like a pin point, a star
of light connecting to you.

Going around the universe,
connecting the different sun to
your body. Soon, all the atoms of
your body are connected to their
respective sun. Feel all of these
strands of energy connecting to
the whole universe.

Below you, on top of you, to the
front, to the back, to the left,
to the right. Your whole body,
each atoms, connecting to all the
Suns in the universe, feeling the
connection, feeling the
dissolution, the gratefulness.

Blah, blah blah, feel that
connection, remember it and at
any point during the day know
that you can come back to that
sensation of connectivity with
the whole universe, blah blah,
know your body to be this
eternal, universal consciousness,
and you can dissolve back into
itself, as it arose from itself
by itself... blah, blah...

Padding that with the normal
relaxation, concentration and
finalizing with the realization
of the sensation of dissolution
and coming back to the body.

Anyway, I find it to be a
beautiful meditation that I've
never heard about. I find it
quite powerful, and redefining my
relationship with suns and stars.
Kind of like, hey buddy, you're
pretty cool, lets connect.

This is also in continuation of
my exploration of dissolving the
mind into the universe. The mind
can expand to the size of the
object that it reflects on. In
one of my meditation I invite the
practitioner to expand the mind
in the body, home, country,
planet, solar system, galaxy,
universe. I find it quite
calming, but also similar to the
idea of the expansion of one's
consciousness into a greater all
encompassing consciousness. 

Mind Kiegle

Practicing that meditation has
also changed some of my reaction
to thoughts that I want to move
away from. I used to dissolve
some of the mind stuff in the
light. I think about someone I
don't want to think about
anymore, I offer that though to
the light, I see a bright light
in front of me, and I dissolve
the though in there. Nothing too
brutal, the light is a positive
thing. The person might even get
a little boost of light. It's a
bit like some fuck off money,
here is a gift of light, now fuck
off from my mind. 

It works but it keeps my mind
outside my 'field.' I'm still in
the mind realm. Lately, I've been
pulling in my energy instead.

I have a though I don't want
to have, instead of visualizing
the though going away, I pull in
my mind, my presence, into the
sensations of my body. As I am
writing, I am pulling my mind
back into myself, and the now.

That pulling in sensation seems
to stop the mind from wandering
around, the imagination stops for
a moment, and the energy that my
mind normally spread all around,
is now redirected toward my body,
here and now. 

It feels like a Kiegle but for
the mind. The pelvic floor tends
to move down for me, and I
practice to pull it back up. The
mind has a tendency to spread all
around, and I now practice to
pull it all in.

But this simple process of
pulling in the mind has the
effect of stopping the mind to go
outward toward other people or
events.

Happy new Moon!