My push up practice changes my
body. I kick higher, and go
deeper in the forward bend. As
simple as the forward bend might
seems, it's a strange yoga
posture.

It's not rewarding really, when
you are able to do it, you simply
fold forward. But it's hard to
get there. You can't really force
it either, something has to give
so you can let go into that
posture. I didn't think that
push-ups would help with that.

It creates a nice baseline for my
body. I don't see much visual
changes in my body, but it feels
different, more solid. I'm more
stable, my right punch feels a
lot more connected.

I've been wasting sexual energy
lately. A break from cultivation,
a time to cool off, a reset. I
couldn't go to boxing either, and
I partied, drank, smoked a lot
since the end of the theater
season. I haven't had a smoke now
in a week, and I even said no to
a beer after karate on Tuesday!
Seems like I'm back into
cultivation.

I want to be careful with my
mind during this new phase.

I was watching a video on weight
loss and training. The coach
mentioned how you have to focus
on what you do all day, more than
what you do at the gym. This is
an important notion to also apply
to meditation. Whatever you do
when you sit for meditation only
account for very little in your
overall process. It's what you do
all day long that matters.

Similarly, when cultivating
energy, what I do with my body,
with my mind during the whole day
is really what matters. Not just
the few hours of tai chi, karate,
yoga, boxing, hiking and evening
meditation.

Yesterday my mind was trying to
entertain itself with some
fantasy. I asked myself, am I
back to fantasizing about
improbable future? Do I want to
fill my energy with desires?

During the last round of
cultivation, I was able to bring
my energy really high, but I had
a hard time controlling what I
did with that energy. It was hard
to focus, hard to work a lot, I
was restless. Then I wasted a lot
of energy, which helped with my
day to day work and focus.

I don't have a clear goal either,
which is a slippery slope for my
mind. How do I raise my potential
without raising the desires? It
seems to be a delicate process, a
gentle, precise practice of
awareness and control. Observing
where the energy goes as it rise,
healing the part that needs
healing.

I should write more about Shakti,
the illusion, covering
Consciousness, and how I've been
in relation with her... but
that's for another day.