Panic attack last weekend.
I ended up riding the
ambulance once more.

Vertigo, weaknesses,
vomiting, was my left arm
hurting too. Am I dying?
Once more... 

Too much K, too much tequilla?
I am not too sure, what
happened. I then realized
I was sick. Throat hurting,
muscle in pain, dizzy.

Took me a few days to come
back to something manageable.
Fuck do I go far when I
freak out. My body doesn't
hurt anymore, but my neck
has been bothering me for
a while. I decided to go
see a physio. 

I love going to the physio.
It's so simple, so mechanical.
She found the muscle that's
hurting. Gave me some stretch
to work with it. She doesn't
think there is much to worry
about, and in any case,
first I need to care for
my body. Once the body is
well balanced, a lot more
healing can happen. 

I still have some more
physical fears. My leg
is swollen, now a with a
spider bit. I think I
have a few rotten tooth
to take care of. I'm looking
to get some holistic dentist
to check some molar, I feel
that this might be draining
some of my immune system.

But now I am home alone.
Not sad, but not happy.
Simply here... I am not
sure where it's all going,
working, surviving, without
much purpose. Riding the
ambulance, fearing death,
for a moment, but now
everything is back to
normal? How screwed up
am I? I wonder sometime
if I should get medicated.

Watching natural born
killer yesterday. I feel
like I'm not living. I am
too afraid to live. I'm
following the rules, I
cleaning my house. But
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to
love, I'm afraid to be loved.
And even if I dodged death
a few time, I'm still wasting
this precious life with
fear and waiting...

What the fuck am I waiting for?

I just recorded a show on
following the white rabbit,
lets look for one.