I haven't had a panic attack
in a while. It's strange. I
have a bit of anxiety this
morning, but nothing major.

I drink coffee, and smoke
tobacco, and party plenty,
which normally are all
anxiety creating activities.

At one point I had to give
all of that up, just to be
able to stay afloat. But
now, it seems like I can
really trash about and
feel okay.

It's a strange feeling as
I am used to freak out
on a more regular basis.
I freak out, and then
do something about it
and then change my way.

I have to get used to not
panicking. It is similar to
when I realized that I
could drink Tequila and
it didn't give me migraine.
I started to drink so much,
to then realize that I
didn't like drinking
that much. I was simply
relieved that I still
could drink.

Now it feels like I have a
super power of not panicking.
So I lean into it, but I am
not sure I like these habits.
I really don't like smoking
that much. It's a nasty habit
that doesn't get me anywhere.
I miss doing more psychedelic
though. I feel that psychedelic
give my mind a good trip, a
good vacation from reality,
and doesn't affect my health
at all. On the contrary, after
a trip of LSD I feel a lot
better. 

I think this drop in anxiety
has come about when I did the
Family Constellation. It really
changed the way I perceive
reality. I haven't had a
panic attack since, and my
anxiety has been really low.
I also have been able to
boost my productivity,
which in turn makes for
a good pay day this month.

My finance aren't great.
I have a client who hasn't
paid a 10k invoice, which
makes a huge hole in my
budget. I don't make a lot
of money, so this is quite
the burden. But I haven't
freaked out just yet. I mean
there isn't much I can do
about it, except to keep
on working more.

I was in a similar situation
just before declaring bankruptcy
some 12 years ago. Right now I
don't have much money, but I also
don't owe money, so it's not
the same at all, but I had the
similar big client who's not paying.
I am a little bit tired of
these situations lately, and
I feel like a 'normal job'
would satisfy me more.
I don't really benefit from
the freedom of running my own
business. I'm alone most of the
time, and then I have to stress
about invoicing, accounting,
running after clients etc...
If at least I was traveling
and bringing my work with me,
it would make more senses.

Like living in Mexico and still
having my normal income.

I complain, but I really have
a lazy schedule, and to 
still be able to live around
here is somewhat really cool.
It just a drag that I might loose
10k this year, it will take
some time to come back from
that. I am still hoping the
client will pay me, which
might not be the way to move
forward. I like the idea of
sunk cost. You lost it and
move forward. It put my focus
on the future, instead of hoping
that the client will pay.

Now I need to pay these bills,
how to we make this happen.
That forward motion might be
what I need right now. Wow,
it's hard to let go, my mind
doesn't want to move on, I
want my 10k!

In any case, I like living
without panic attack or too
much anxiety. I want to cultivate
that further, get back into a
bit of a healthier rhythm.
Coffee, cigarettes and booze
aren't the way to go! Tea and
lsd sounds so much more
appropriate! Oh, and Happe!
I still haven't written
about Happe, but it's such
an interesting medicine.