Smudging the house this morning.
Using palo santo, it feels
different this time.

A few years back, we were preparing
for a workshop. A mediation, yoga
and then dance workshop, where we
hired a local band, composed of 2
didgeredoo and a drum. The
drummer had brought his kid. No
one was taking care of the kid as
the guests were already coming
in.

He turned to me,

"Mister, can you open this pop
bottle for me?"

I looked at the twist cap bottle,
and replied;

"No, but YOU can open it
yourself"

"I can?"

With big wide eyes, he mustered
all the strength he had, and
twisted that bottle as if his
life depended on it. Realizing
his feat, he ran to his dad:

"Dad, I can! I can open my own
bottle!"

Last year, we were breaking
planks in karate. Jacob, who was
a new student, didn't think he
could break one. He tried, and
almost broke his wrist.

Standing behind the group,
looking at all the kid breaking
planks, some of them twice as
small as him, you could see him
doubting even his existence.

When all the kids broke their
plank, he came forward, and very
shy asked if he could try
again. We all wondered if his
frail body would allow him to
succeed and questioned for a
second if this would simply hurt
his arm and ego even more.

We all look at each other with a
big smile, of course you can try
Jacob. And again, gathering all
of his strength, he focus his
punch and broke that plank. I
almost cried on the spot, seeing
his world opening up to the
realization that He Can!

I feel like that today with my
cleaning my house. I feel really
silly and childish. It's not so
much the accomplishment, anyone
can do it with the proper tools,
it's the breaking of a belief
that I didn't really noticed I
had.

I kept on looking at the cobweb
stuck on the ceiling, the dust,
knowing it was making me
sick. Wishing one day it wouldn't
be like that anymore. Such a
weird analogy. Hoping that one
day, I would take my money and
hire someone to save me from my
own limitations.

I wonder where else am I looking,
waiting, hoping for someone else,
something else to change my
reality to liberate me from the
cobweb of life. It's not even the
waiting for someone, but more the
acceptance that I am not able to
do something. What am I passively
accepting? A defeat that I've
accepted way back in my past.

When I stop and meditate on that
concept, I feel something is
hiding, dodging my inquisitive
mind. Like a wild animal that
doesn't want to be caught. What
am I pursuing in myself? What
doesn't want to be seen?