Random thoughts, sitting on the
patio with my coffee mug. 

Slowly coming back from the
travel. The integration is
hard. I want to be on the road
again.

"The road is not going anywhere"

The regional burning man was
really intense. Partying until
6am, resting for a few hours.
Offering massage from 10am to
2pm. Resting for a few more
hours. Partying from 8 to 6am
again.

The nearby forest fire gave a
post-apocalyptic feel. The sun
was orange, the smoke was
enveloping. The land was bare
and dry. We had to wear dust or
smoke masks and goggles. We had
to look cyberpunk just to be
there. 

There were over 50 'camps', from
thrift store to children book
reading space, to slack line
forest, to SnM station, public
sex shaming, booze bar, juice
bar, yoga tent, orgy tent and
everything in between. There were
also 11 'sound camp' that would
offer music until 6am. It was as
crazy as it gets. 

You could describe the burn, as a
infinite Halloween on acid. It
was really crazy but also really
gentle. With all the types of
body and degree of nakedness, I
was only attracted to a couple
women.

I was completely mesmerized by
Kate, or Katie. A young punk
goth, with a very sweet and low
voice. I love how she looked, how
she danced, how she moved. She
was holding a trident with 3 bats
on it, in neon I assume to be
easily found in a crowd. She was
with her boyfriend. An older man,
around my age, not very
attractive. There was a palpable
attraction between me and her,
but he was quite in the way.

I was only able to talk to her a
few times, dance with her for a
moment. I told her I was doing
massages, I didn't really
offered, but I was hoping she'd
come around. I couldn't stop
thinking about her the first
couple days. Her image is vividly
imprinted in my mind.

It was a good exploration of my
sexuality there. A lot of
beautiful naked and semi naked
women would come my way on the
dance floor. Like a non-verbal
consent for me to grab their
body. If I'd signal that I wasn't
interested, they would simply go
to the next available man. They
would get groped, rub themselves,
sometime kiss, sometime leave for
some casual sex.

There was a sensation of missing
out. I could have had some lazy
sex on the dance floor. I wasn't
into it. I wasn't turned on. I
didn't really care. Katie was
quite on my mind too.

There was a feeling of wanting to
be awake at all time. I didn't
want to miss any of it. I didn't
feel sick even after partying so
much. I'm surprised I haven't got
sick yet, I'm still waiting to
see.

It was good to come back home. I
missed my cat, who went wild when
we were gone. She's a stray cat,
so she can feed herself outside
the house. The people house
sitting didn't really feed her.
I wanted to rest for a moment,
but here I am partying again,
I guess it's summer, might as
well enjoy while it last.

I connected with another woman
there too. A dj, saxophonist,
Amy. It's the only person I
stayed in contact with. She made
me dance the first day I was
there. Then told me she had a set
the next day. I went to dance a
bit more, then offered her a
massage. We had a sweet exchange.
The massage was really sensual
and connecting. It felt like I
knew her from a long time. I
couldn't help to notice her
arousal during the massage.

"My boyfriend is leaving Sunday
afternoon so I am flying solo
then."

I am not sure what she meant by
that. I found her on the
dance floor, I wanted to dance
with her. I think she wanted
something else. She hugged me a
couple time. I wasn't into
hugging, I wanted to dance. I was
surprisingly not available.

I also met two woman that
night. A bit younger, people were
not talking to them too much. I
went to say hi, if they needed
something. They wanted mushroom
which I had on me. We danced and
then they went to a different
dance floor.

I finally went over that dance
floor, and they saw me. The
offered me their vape, told me
they wanted to smoke some weed.
I didn't have any, but they said
they had it in their tent. They
invited me over. We went, sat on
their bed, smoked some weed. I
looked around, then realized they
wanted some action. I didn't.

I feel weird about these
opportunity I didn't take.

I wasn't prepared for that?

How would I feel if I had random
casual sex the whole weekend?

I feel like I need to re-center.
Spend a few day by myself,
recollect my thoughts, cry for a
moment. Meditate, fast, train,
get back into some rhythm. But it
seems like people want to party
more, and more. I don't react
negatively to alcohol anymore,
which is a bit of a drag. My
capacity to party is way to high!

Being home is unreal.

It feels like there is a
transition coming up. I'm okay
with that. I'm prepared to move,
see what the future will bring to
me. This house holds a lot of my
past, over 10 years of family
living. Letting go of this house
will release a lot of my past, a
lot of sadness and suffering.

With the release of my ex-lover
during the trip, it's the first
time in many years that I don't
have anyone in mind. It's a nice
place. The void. I missed it.