A real lazy Saturday... so
far. Waking up around noon,
I don't really want to see
anyone today. There might
be a show tonight, I am not
sure I will make it. I don't
even have coffee here.
Maybe I'll do a bit of
matcha.

I have some work to do, but
on a Saturday, it doesn't
feel too much like work.
A couple of client to
take care of. Maybe
tomorrow I'll do the
garbage and then stop
by a client to fix
their computer...

I continue to flow in
a strange life current.
It's fairly gentle, although
a tad uncomfortable.
I am presented with
situations of both
pleasures and pains,
and I see that to obtain
one you need the other.

Maybe not all the time,
but it seems in this moment,
pleasure comes at a cost
of pain, and it feels clearly
related. Or there is the
middle path, without much
pain, without much pleasure.

Today I feel tired of the
path of pleasure and pain.
Some days, I do jump into
it without looking back,
knowing the pleasure will
bring pain. Can there be
pleasure without pain?

The middle path, the path
of the void, is always knocking
at my door:

"See I told you"

"But I don't feel ready"

"All right, lets go for
another round of pleasure
and pain"

I want to leave these cycles
behind me, but there is nothing
to get to. It's like letting go,
for the sake of letting go.
I am trying to convince myself
that I can walk the path of
pleasure and pain in a Tantric
way. But in the midst of it,
it seems like a lot of work
and effort. 

From the Fool to the Magician.

I know the power of the magician,
but would rather be the fool for
a while longer. Like walking
on the ledge of a mountain,
I feel the two sides pulling
me down. And me balancing out,
staying somewhat on the path.
But to what end?

I had a nice chat with a girl
at the Ashram yesterday. Her
eyes, intently looking at me.
What did she want? My approval?
My attention? It was a cute
chat for a moment, but I felt
very disconnected. I could
manipulate the situation in
any direction. I often feel
like that in my relation, that
it mostly depends on where I
want to go, and people will
follow that path. If I start
questioning that path, it
creates resentment. I created
a reality for that person for
a moment, and now I am not
continuing that reality.

For a moment a magician,
when I get back into the
fool, people gets annoyed.
At the same time I feel too
lazy to sustain the creation
of the magician. The reality
that I create for a moment
between 2 people, that I
then give up. I kinda want
to meet another magician?
I don't want to be the
sole creator in a reality.
But would I let myself
flow into someone's else
reality?

What do I want now?

Coffee maybe?

Doing the dishes?

I find a lot of pleasure
in cleaning up my house.
A simple action with a
satisfying goal. I find
the interpersonal relation
to be a challenge these days.

Having lived with someone
hiding their feeling for
15 years, made me realize
that you really never know.
I find myself questioning,
wondering, creating and
feeling annoyed at myself.

Can I just let the other
be what they want to be,
and only focus on the
moment we spend together?
Listening to my needs
and to my feelings?

It's definitely a strange
moment in my life. I am
not too sure if I can even
navigate this, or simply
flow with the currents.