Eating my traditional
egg and toast on the
garden side deck, I am
a bit distraught.
My mental health
is not doing great.

My body is okay,
although I'm sick
of smoking tobacco.
I think coffee isn't
doing me well anymore.
I am trying to finish
a contract for the
last 2 week and it's
not doing well. I am
very close to give
up on it, although
I'd loose a big contract.

Note to self, lets not
do these type of contract
anymore even if the pay
is exciting.

I went dancing in
town yesterday. A
new dance called
Kizomba, with a
beautiful group
of people. This feels
really good, to be
able to dance with
others, the proximity,
the rhythm. It is
very good for my
mind and body.
I learn quickly,
which also feels
like an accomplishment. 

I really like everything
to do with only my body.
No other tools, and with
some other body. Martial
art, massage, dance... 

My daughter came
back home with me
in the evening so
we chatted for a bit,
and then left this
morning with the first
ferry. It was a nice
ending of the night,
after the dance.
It would have been
hard to simply go
back home alone.
The house feels so
empty.

I see how fragile I
am emotionally. From
being completely alone
for days sometime, I
get into a more social
activity, which feels
good on the moment, but
then makes me want for
more. I get back
home, a bit more sad,
distraught. Anything
good feels like it
moves me quite a lot. 

Have I always been that
depressed? Or am I still
grieving my 15 years of
relationship?

What is grief if not
mental? I don't think
about my ex, I don't
desire to get back into
the relationship, so
I guess I am not grieving
her. I guess I am grieving
the unit, the being part
of something greater than
me. I grieve not seeing
my daughter everyday.
Not being part of her
everyday life. Having
to be away from her
half the time.

This is really difficult.

I understand why my
ex found a boyfriend
even before she left
the house. Stop the grieving
and step into a new
relationship. With
my own experience I
see that I have still
stuff to process before
I could be in a healthy
relationship... if ever.

My head is clouded,
this contract is
overwhelming. If I
could at least finish
that part of the work,
it would lighten my
mood. Yet I procrastinate,
I sit outside and write.
I leave for the weekend.
I can't force myself to
work. I haven't been in
this situation in a long
time. I used to be often
stuck in these overdue
contract, where I am the
only issue.

I am not sure why this
is happening now, although
I didn't really need
this contract...

Back to work, you can
cry later!