The cafe was closed again, so I
went to the store to get some
beans. I saw on the board that
today's was her memorial, or, as
they like to call it around here,
her celebration of life.

I've worked with Janet over the
years. I don't know if we've
really connected, we kept the
relationship quite professional
over all these years. I didn't
know her connection to the
ashram, and it was lovely to hear
all about her life, through the
words of people who loved her.

I didn't want to mingle too
much. I made act of presence,
strangely again at the front of
the crowd. I helped serve the
food, and had a chat with another
friend of mine. I went to visit
my friend, and had a few
drink. Sat on the porch, met with
the brother of his wife.

Strange connections to many people
I know, strange connection to a
woman I was supposed to meet a
couple weeks prior. It was a bit
of a shock, somewhat prompting me
to drink more. My friend and I
bought some drugs, he fed me a
magic mushroom gummy, and armed
with tequila with went to a ska
and reggae show.

I knew I wouldn't meet anyone
that I would be romantically
interested into, so I didn't
really care how fuck up I'd end
up. I danced very little, met with
many friends and then I saw her.

With her short black hair, head
to the side, looking at me. I was
looking back at her. She is
beautiful, and one more time, I
don't remember her name.

I felt so silly. This is the one
woman I've met again and again in
the last few years, that I've
always found beautiful and
powerful. What a strange thing to
see her here. I asked another
friend about her name. Shanel!

She was dancing with another guy
and I wondered if she was now
single. She had married a few
years back, but was alone
tonight. I went outside, met with
her friend. I ask him if they
were together. He said no, he's
only the room mate. We chatted
a bit, at 40 he had his breast
removed. I ask if he went with
the bottom surgery, he said no,
he preferred to keep some pleasure
going. I mentioned I was
bi-sexual, to which he answered
him too. I wondered for a moment
if I would be with a guy that
still have female genital. I
personally wouldn't mind. I
looked at him, he was attractive.
He might have felt the way I was
looking.

Shanel finally came out of the
venue, I went to say hi. She
seemed happy to see me.
I mentioned that I was now
single. She reminded me that I've
already told her, 2 years ago.

"I heard that you are now single"

She was surprised, I told her
the room mate told me. I am not
too sure how fresh that news is.
I asked her if she will be at the
festival next weekend, and she
will be. I didn't want to talk to
her anymore. I was too drunk and
stoned to have a decent
conversation. I quickly closed
the conversation and moved on.

My legs were shaking. I felt like
a teenage boy who'd ask a girl to
go out for the first time. I am
not sure what type of impression
I left on her. We'll have to see
what happens next weekend.

Hopefully in a better state, I'd
like to learn to know her. I've
been playing in my head what I
could say, how could I approach
her, to let her know that I'd
love to get to know her.

I saw her the first time in my
home, about 7 years ago. She was
wearing a top that showed most of
her side breast. It was really
sexy and I was a bit shocked by
her beauty. She was in a
relationship, so was I. But we
kept on bumping in once or twice
a year, always charmed by her
beauty and power.

This is a woman that I would like
to practice flirting with. I
don't think she is interested in
me. Or at least she never showed
any interest. I felt judged and
classified as non-boyfriend
material early on. But now I
don't know. I feel I was quite
direct about my intentions, and I
want to check in next weekend if
there is anything there.

I like the idea of flirting with
someone who is not interested in
me. It would put me in a place
where I need to learn to express
myself and work toward showing
up for someone. At the same time
since the person is not
interested, there is nothing to
sustain. It's like climbing a
mountain. It's there and will
stay there and won't do the work
for you.