Should I have a girlfriend?
When will I have sex again?
Am I not attractive?
Why aren't there anyone making a
move on me?
Do I deserve to be love?
Will I ever have someone I can
open to?
What type of woman should I go for?
Someone who turns me on?
If I get in a relationship, maybe
the sex will be bad?
Isn't this all too confusing?
Can I simply be celibate for the
rest of my life?
That would feel good
Maybe I should become a pimp?
Trading protection and drug for
sex, keeping thing simple. 
Am I too cerebral to have good sex?
Should I be more stupid?
Stupid people do more sex, but I
don't think they can enjoy it as
much. 
Should I become an addict?
I would probably worry less
Will I ever be loved again?
I should probably get laid, it
will fix all of my problems.

All these questions, rolling in
my head, triggered by my confused
and drained mind. 

My energy leaks into giving
attention to all these girls.
Non-verbally they are seeking
approbation, I'm constantly
looking, growing tired by the
minute. 

Zoe of them all, pulls in my
attention the most. When I look
at her she looks back, fixes her
hair, stop for a moment. There is
a freeze in time. We barely know
each other. We talked twice.

There is something in her
seeking something in me.

My potential is high, yet my head
is confused. I have to change my
practice if I want to enjoy these
type of events, reflect as I go,
practice presence, fill myself
with light and fill the others. 

At the end of the month, there is
another festival, but with a more
open culture. I feel there will
be less 'attention for the sake
of attention' and more 'attention
for a desired connection'. I feel
that this will be less draining,
making connection, openly sharing
desires and fantasy.

As I cultivate my energy, I feel
a lot goes to my head. It creates
anxiety and makes it uncomfortable.

Do I want this or that? Should I
go for this or that? What about
this? There is an underlying
desire for something that I don't
truly grasp. I wish, I want, a
feeling of not having what I
need. But I can't logically find
out what it is. As if it wasn't a
mind thing.

Similar to a nervous breakdown,
the mind doesn't help much in
these situation. The mind cannot
resolve the nervous imbalance, it
can help calm it though.

Maybe when I am in my head like
that I simply need to ground
myself. Which is what I am doing
right now. Being alone,
downloading my mind into the
machine, in silence.

There is nothing to satisfy,
there is nothing to do.
Flag when the mind is unstable.
Stop, slow the breath, focus on
the feet, on the roots.