The end of the last reflection
opened up some more inner work.

Our parents, through their
relationship with us, help
chisel our personality, in
a positive or negative way.

Through their action, they
create also some trauma
that can be dealt with
during our life. But it
seems like there is something
else that is passed on,
maybe on a more cellular
level? And that also need
some healing, but can't
be reached until some
of the 'lighter' stuff
is being taken care of.

It seems like part of my
healing journey is waning,
and uncovering the next
step in my healing.

For example, I have been
dealing, digesting a part
of my trauma, namely my
abandonment issue. This
was caused by some events
in the past, and to heal
it, I re-wrote my own
history to help understand
what really happened there.

This was a profound change
in my own healing. At the
same time, it opened up a
deeper layer of healing.
Something I wasn't prepared
for, healing the generational
trauma.

My great grand father was
well known to have beaten
his wife and kids. My grand
father, pride himself to
have never beaten his wife,
but beat up his children.
My father, although with
some violence in his nature,
didn't beat us up. So there
is some healing, but I also
received a deep feeling of
lacking love, a feeling of
not being enough for my
father or for my mom.

Today in Tai Chi, I felt the
sadness. The sadness of my
dad, hoping for someone to
save him. Maybe his mother
would one day step in?

That sadness, that helplessness,
I inherited part of it. Having
worked with my own healing,
and uncovering my own trauma,
it feels like I am left with
deeper stuff, stuff that
isn't mine.

I find it interesting that
a few days ago, I realized
that some of my suffering
wasn't mine. Now I see that
there is more suffering that
is not mine. I do experience
it, I do live it, but it's
not mine, it was passed on.

I still need to deal with it,
but disassociating with it
helps me to look at it in
a different perspective.

I assume I also have some
generational backlog of trauma
from my mother side, but for
the moment, my father's trauma
seems to be coming at me.

In an Ayahuasca ceremony, I
once realized how a sensation
in my stomach was directly
related to my father's trauma.
I cried for a moment, but
didn't pursue the healing
of that wound. Now that I've
dealt with some of my trauma,
there seems to be space to
explore further this energy.

The suffering is not mine,
but still I need to play
with it in order to dissolve it.