Emotionally unavailable.

It's how I describe my state
right now. I wish I wasn't. It
reminds me of when I was going
through a burn out.

My mind was fine, my emotions
were okay, my body was not too
bad, but my nervous system was
fried. It was a strange
realization back then. A burn out
wasn't a storm of emotions and a
broken mental state, a burn out
happened in the background, while
I was trying to keep everything
else afloat, my nervous system
gave up. 

Now, I want to be available, I
want to be over my last
relationship, but I'm not.

Something isn't done in me.

There are medicines to help
rebuild the nervous system, but I
don't know any medicine to heal
the emotional body. It's like a
ghost limb, I'm nurturing
something that isn't there
anymore. It was cut so swiftly,
I didn't have time to process.
I'm still reaching out for it.
I was ready to give up everything
for it. Like an ego death, but the
death of a reality. I let go of
my life, but then the reason of
the letting go disappeared.

I keep wondering, what is life
preparing me for? What is this
strange training I am going
through?

In shamanism, accepting one's
death is an initiation. I've been
initiated many times in that
regard. But giving up one's life?
All the dreams and goals?
What type of initiation was that?