The days are gentler on
me lately. After my letting
go of my childhood trauma
of abandonment, everything
seems lighter. The first
couple days were ecstatic,
but reality comes back in.

I am still alone, I still
miss her. But the suffering
is different, it's not as
intense, it's not really
suffering, more of a
melancholy. Which is nice,
like a rain in spring.

I was really looking forward
for this weekend. Alone,
cleaning the house, fasting
for a bit, using castor
oil to help. I feel good.
I'm generally not hungry,
and I want to get back
into the rhythm of eating
when I am hungry.

I finished stacking the
wood the neighbor gave
us last year. It was such
a long process, but it's
also the first step into
the clean up of the land.

I have all my wood for
the winter, and fantasize
about having a woman with
me for the winter. Cocooning
in the house, for a quiet
winter. It's interesting
that I am thinking of the
winter already, yet the
summer is yet to start.

I work a lot better now
too. I feel I am out of
yet another depressive
spell. I can really put
more than 4 hours of
concentrated work each
day, and that will pay
off soon.

I am planing to smoke
DMT with a friend today.
He has been studying the
work of Monroe and out
of body experience, and
I think his higher self,
or his soul, or his path,
is calling for a deeper
experience. I am also
looking into what is my
next step in life. I am
not even sure if companionship
is part of my future. There
is a part of me that lust
for someone, but there is
a part of me that doesn't
really care much.

I'm excited and scared a
bit of the power of DMT.
I have done pretty much
all form of hallucinogenic,
and each time I've gained
quite a lot of learning.
I wonder what type of healing
this session will bring.
I like the fact that it's
a short trip, similar to
salvia. If it lives up to
what I've read, it can be
quite a powerful ally to
work with. I hope the God
of the DMT will be gentle
on my soul.

I am seeking to expand
my understanding of this
reality. I read that there
are often encounters in the
world of DMT. I am excited
to meet with these if it
comes to that. It's often
described as a out of body
experience, but it also
sound more like shifting
dimension. Like if you
would move from the 3rd
to the 4th dimension and
everything becomes visible
all at once.

I will report back tonight!