love detox night 1

I couldn't count how
many time I though
about her. I would
breath, focus, distract
myself, think about
something else and
then she would appear,
I wouldn't recognize
her at first and then
I'd realized who it
was. How deep of a
habit have I created
in my own mind?

This is completely
self-created. There
was no mutual actions
that fed into habits,
like a normal relationship.
It was a one sided
fantasy that I curated,
repeated, and brainwashed
myself into. It feels
really deep and so
painful at the same
time. I don't think
the pain will persist
for too long though.

It seems also that
I need to let the grieving
happens too. I want
to block the thinking
process, the spinning
in my own mind, but
I also want to let
the emotions out.

This event is so much
linked to my sensation
of being abandoned by
my parents, it's so
clearly related. But
I don't know how to heal
that. I so don't want
to be abandoned that I've
given into the suffering
of my 15 years relationship.
Better to suffer than to
be abandoned.

How do I work on this?
Most of us that have
this sensation of abandonment,
tends to close off and be self
reliant as much as possible.
We turn to pets for company,
like dogs and cats, as human
relationship hurts too
much. I can't expect a
relationship not to trigger
that fear of abandonment,
and I can't put that pressure
on the other.

I am not sure, I am not
clear. I understand that
this archetype of the mother
and the father, when one
feel abandoned by them, there
is a shame, a pride that is
broken, you feel inadequate
that you are not enough.
You want to prove yourself,
prove your worth, so that
someone can love you, and
feel that you're not a
scum, something to be thrown
away. 

With the divorce trend of the
90s, parents were liberated
from bad relationships, but
also broke the family and often
the children felt abandoned as
the parents looked for love
somewhere else. The solid
ground that the parent created
was now removed and the child
had to become self reliant,
looking for love anywhere,
but from the inside.

Maybe that's all I can live
right now, this lack of love
and I can only try to offer
more love to my daughter and
expect a generational healing
to happen over the next few
generations?

Of course it all comes back
to self love. But when love
is felt from the outside, when
it comes from someone else,
it is so tender and comforting.
It's hard not to desire that,
it's hard not to spend my
days thinking and fantasizing
that someone loves me.

And at the same time it feel
unfair to give someone the
power, give away my power,
and let them be the one,
the source of love. Hey
my mom didn't love me enough,
so now it's your job to love
me enough so I feel good
about myself. 

You have
to love me
because
I cannot
love myself.

love me
cause I can't
love me