A foot, a shin, a leg
and then I saw
her sex
well shaved
nicely nested
between her thighs

She had pulled up
part of her pants
while coming down
the stairs
I was coming up
distracted
I didn't realized
I stared

Nice breath she said
I didn't understand
I was confused
Nice ceremony
I replied

She just had offered
a cacao ceremony
A beautiful woman
that I've met
a few times
A darker skin
beautiful body
I've never been
attracted
but seeing her sex
changed how
I perceived her

Did she do it on purpose?
Am I flashing material?

A mutual friend
shared with her
that I offered
meditation and
Thai Massage training

She turned to me
while saying
that I'm doing so many things
She should ask
What am I not doing?

I said I don't do mechanic
She ask if I can change a light
bulb, I said yes I'm very good at
it. She grabbed my arm, told me I
was her new best friend.

She became even more beautiful.
Her beauty contrasted with the
rest of the group. Her beauty was
flawless that night, her dark
skin, the light clothing, her
naked back, her small breast
barely covered by this thin
fabric.

I couldn't let her go, I danced
with her for a bit. I hugged her
before she left. Told her how
happy I was to be her new best
friend. We hugged a bit more. She
left, and then came back. We
hugged again, held hand for a
moment. I was aroused, and then
she left. I went outside, look at
the car, I didn't know what I was
doing, I came back inside.

It was a beautiful weekend.

Filled with meditation,
sound healing journeys, yoga,
music, dancing and I taught a
class on Thai Massage. It was
powerful and really enjoyable. We
spun fire outside, went in the
hot tub and sauna, did a bit of
magic mushroom, drank a bit of
tequila and I fell in love for a
night with a cacao goddess.

If I'm ever to be with a woman
again, I want her to be as hot as
her, or even nicer. I don't mind
being alone forever, I don't mind
waiting for the perfect person to
be with. But tonight I cry again.

The stark contrast of my solitude
at home with the excitement of
my weekends is painful. My
daughter is traveling again.
Leaving tomorrow for 10 days.
What do I want to do for 10 days?

New moon on the 18th, on
Wednesday. I would like to have
another sweat lodge ceremony, I
would like to fast, and train
more. I would like to forget
about wanting or not wanting
someone in my life. I don't know
what I want, but there is nothing
right now.

During a sound healing ceremony,
they had us pick a card:

Accept the abundance and the
pleasures that life offers you.

I have a hard time to simply
accept the beauty that life
offers me. I feel like I need
to pay a price for the pleasure
I receive. Some sort of transactional
reality. Life is not
transactional, not for the good,
not for the bad.