[8/25/25 9:00PM]

I realize that I don't ask people who their
days are going because I find it interesting,
I ask them in hopes that they will care about 
me as much as I care about them. I realize 
that the emptiness I feel daily isn't a result
of things being better back then, but a problem
that stems from feeling like nobody truly cares
about me. I suppress those feelings by saying
"my mom cares about me, my friends care about
me" but if I were to die tomorrow, how many
of my friends would attend my funeral, how
many of my friends would care about me after
my use to them wanes. Nobody ever texts me
asking me how I am doing, nobody ever checks
in on me, I'm the one who has to, I'm the
one who has to put in the work. I try to
make everyone else feel good in hopes 
that one day they will reciprocate it.
It feels like everywhere I go, nobody
gives a fuck about me, I feel alone
and scared most days and I wonder why.
I think why I cannot wake up in the
morning, why I stay in bed for as long
as possible, stay up for as long as 
possible. I feel it's because I don't
want to live through the hell of daily
life, I try to avoid it as much as possible.
I want to die, I won't admit this when
I'm not tired out of my mind, when I 
have the mental capacity to ward
away these thoughts, but I feel as if
this is meaningless. The US is slowly
being militarized in the civilian sector,
our history is being removed and paved
over, US values of immigration are being
stamped over and families are being torn
apart. We aren't even through the first year
yet, what will the next year bring, the year
after that, and the year after that. What
will the climate of the world look like
by the end of his term. Will I even be alive
by then? 

I ask my less drowsy counterpart these questions
mostly as he avoids them, uses the mental capacity
alotted to him to shut out as much as this as possible.

Do you ever ask yourself if you're repeating the
same cycle you went down with Becky's server and
the family you tried to make there?

Do you ever ask yourself if any of your friends
truly give a damn about you?

Do you ever stop and think about why it is hard
for you to get up in the morning?

Do you ever ask yourself if there is any true
meaning to getting up in the morning if 
there's a chance it'll all get torn away from
you by an uncaring system?

Do you ever ask yourself why you avoid talking
to them, you know who I am talking about, the
ones who whenever you see their username you
cringe, you immediately block whoever got you
into that mess in the first place?

I hope that I remember these questions, I
want to see what I think about them when I
wake up in the morning, maybe the day after,
the day after that when I finally read these
again and answer them. Until then, I'm going
to go back to laying in bed, I might not fall
asleep as everytime I try to I am reminded that
if I fall asleep, that's a fast track to waking
back up in that hellscape again. Maybe I'm just
tired, I've been up for like 40 hours.