[10/3/25 11:46PM]

I hate my mom. I hate her for a
variety of reasons. My very existence
has hinged on the fact that she had
a couple of good months with my dad,
after breaking up with him twice and
dating other people. They had me, a
couple of months later they got divorced.
She left me with a horribly abusive father
while she sat on the couch depressed. When
she came back into my life nothing changed.
I had 5-6 different dads over the course of
living with her, I was further fed into
my attachment issues so she could fill a 
void in her heart. Then she met Rigo, 
Rigo cheated on her about a year into
the relationship. Learned what cheating
was at the age of 9, she went back with
Rigo a month or two later, he kept doing
the same things. I then spent the next
five years with somebody I considered 
a father figure who could leave at any
moment, who was unfaithful to my mom,
my mom knew he was unfaithful. Eventually
after six years of that same tug of war,
she left him, after I spent almost half 
of my life with him. Then we start living
at our old place. I leave my dad and start
living with her, out of the idea that she
was better than the foster care system. 
She asked me a couple of times over the
first year of living with her "do you love
me?" I always answered with "I live in 
the same house as you" with a bit of cushioning
of bullshit social philosophy to make her 
feel better. I wouldn't communicate with her,
she would try to force her own beliefs onto 
me, saying that I just need to reframe my thinking.
I tried it, didn't like it, and then discarded it.
She would try to push "the wheel" where the 
functioning of the house vyed on me telling her
my problems. I still didn't say anything, she
didn't deserve it. My dad started sending me money,
as a way of making my life better, she took 80% of
it to "pay for bills" even though it was only 400
bucks and was only an extra shift, but no, she took
money out of my account. When I wanted to start taking
estrogen, she gave me a bullshit answer of "well your
half brother's transmasc (who was taking testosterone, not
estrogen) cousin had issues" and then
when I brought up seeing a specialist instead of going
off of one example, she said sure, and then never spoke
about it again. When I brought it up again, she told me
that I wasn't ready for estrogen because I didn't act 
like a girl and that I was already moody enough. I 
change my name after half a year of using a name I didn't
like because I knew that she was going to be a bitch about
it if I changed it, when I tell her she goes, "do you know
how this makes me feel, you need to be more considerate 
of other people". When I was about to commit suicide back
in January, the first interaction I had with her in person
was her saying "keep this in the family next time, you caused
a lot of issues for me". Recently, over the past few months,
my cat almost gets killed by her little rat dogs, he refuses
to go inside the house or eat, I bring it up to my mom. Says
that I have to find the place and call them up, get all the details
and then maybe she'll consider it because "it's my cat". I
didn't do that, I brought the cat inside everyday to eat
I tried to get him comfortable upstairs, but I wasn't going
to go through all the steps to fix an issue that she had created,
that she refused to take any blame of. I told her that, she
was like "I'm always busy". That's her excuse for everything
when she doesn't want to do something. She is addicted to xanax,
has gotten to the point that she can't sleep without it, 
the doctor tells her a year back that it is degrading her 
white matter, it is what is causing her all of the migraines 
that she is having, she says that "it's better than not sleeping". 
She starts writing a paper for a class she is taking for her BSN,
the title is something like "is not sleeping better or worse than 
taking benzos to sleep?" Her answer to this question in her thesis,
"both". That is such a non fucking answer, that is the answer you
give when you know there's a problem but you are going to do 
absolutely nothing to fix it. Oh well both are bad so I'm going
to go with the one that makes me feel better. She's offered me 
some of her xannax at one point to sleep, took it once, felt
both nothing and euphoria for most of the day after that. That
shit fucks with your brain and from what her doctor said to her,
eats away at your mind if you grow to form an addiction around it.
I bring this up to her in the car, I will admit I was screaming at
her, addiction is a very touchy subject for me, and she is going down
the same exact route as my grandma, the difference between her and my
grandma is that xannax is much easier to get off of than alcohol AS IT
DOESN'T POSE THE RISK OF FUCKING KILLING YOU IF YOU ARE CHRONICALLY ADDICTED
TO IT AND GO COLD TURKEY, she tells me that she is writing the paper
to see which side is better. That's bullshit, you don't base your entire
paper around both being equally as bad if you don't already have some 
preconcieved bias, especially when it comes to something that is going
to destroy your mind versus something that is temporary until you
find a solution. Saying both is the fencesitter version of saying that
xannax is an infinitely better solution. I bring it up to her today,
which I also was screaming again, she smirks at me, this shit-eating
grin of "you don't know what you're talking about", I hate that shit.
Out of everything, even though I despise her, I don't want to see her 
in her 60's with everything that made her "her" burnt out of her like
an old lightbulb. The only signal that consistently braves the journey
through her burnt out brain cells and out of her mouth being "taking 
xannax was at least better than losing sleep" with a million rationalizations
for why. This isn't based out of paranoia, I've met people like this,
my grandma was like this, she at least started recognizing that this
was a problem and started at least presenting like she was trying to
fix it. She started out when I was 9 stumbling around my house drunk
all the time, the quaint countryside home turning into a carpet-filled
box reeking of booze. Her rationalization for it "it's my sleeping aid".
Same exact shit my mom said for taking xannax. It goes beyond that though,
even small things, our dryer is broken, I spent my own money on quarters
so I could dry my clothes. I buy about five washes worth of quarters,
we run out of quarters, and I have no money left to go and spend on quarters.
I bring the issue up to my mom, "well go and scrounge up around your room
for more quarters, I don't want to spend any money on quarters". I spent
all of my remaining money on fucking quarters, she can't even fork out 
cash for me to walk to the store, and get more quarters so we can wash our
shit if we need to. Eventually, like the day after she gives me her card
to go and get some quarters. It's just the fact that I even needed to have
that conversation with her, the fact that she expects me to spend all of my
money so we can dry our shit, even after she takes 80% of the money my 
dad leaves for me each month. It's the fact that she can't even be a good
roommate, it's the fact that she is a shitty mom. Over the past month I've
stopped being nice to her all together, whenever she talks to me I snap at
her, I avoid her, I try not to talk to her. I have to go through her for 
everything and she makes it as hard as possible for me to get things done. 
I finished this quarter of high school with 3 B's and 4 A's, she tells me that I need to 
get a job, get my license when I am already spending most of my day working
on assignments, thinking that I am not doing good enough. I want to go and
see MY therapist that she hijacked a session of and started using her as
our family therapist. I had to go up to her, get into a screaming match
where I talked as loudly as I could so she couldn't say anything explaining
that she is MY therapist, if she wants to have family therapy then she needs
to get her own separate therapist and that she needs to stop using my therapist
for our collective issues, etc. After rolling her eyes and me going upstairs before
she could say anything else, I had a singular session with my therapist where
she told me that she cannot be both a family therapist and a singular therapist
for me. Another thing is that my mom thinks that I think that everything sucks 
and that I am not finding solutions for myself, not making myself happy WHEN THAT'S
ALL I'VE BEEN DOING. She tries to force her own ways of thinking on me, saying
that I need to "change my perspective" when it comes to everything, even when the 
problem needs a head on solution that denying and rationalizing away won't fix,
she does not care. Because I don't think like she does, she thinks that I am not
finding any solutions to my problems, she thinks that I am miserable all the time
because I always seem miserable around HER. She doesn't correlate that I despise
being around her because everything that she has done, the fact that while she
has given the veil of change, she is still the same exact person she was seven
years ago at heart, and so on. She goes on about how "I don't find solutions to
my problems" and that "I can't see two feet in front of me" when it's just the 
fact that I am done with her bullshit and I don't want to have a relationship
with her. I go on long distance walks, I dick around with friends outside of
school at least once a week, I talk to my boyfriend everyday, I listen to music
I like, I focus on my studies, today I filled out a resume for a position at a
supermarket one of my friends a grade above me works at as they need a position
filled, I AM DOING SHIT THAT IS MAKING ME HAPPY, I AM LIVING MY LIFE. Everyday
I wake up to the horrid shrill noises that the puppies make, I hear her little
rat dogs bark all day, I deal with her. I do not hate the dogs, I love them,
I dislike the fact that my mom has encouraged them to bark at everything at
such a young age because she is scared that somebody might break in someday.
I help out with the puppies, I help out with everything she tells me to help
out with, that is how I am nice to her, I try to help where I can, even if I
don't like her. She has started taking my phone at night because she read a
study about how that can improve sleep. I would be fine if it was me who 
put that restriction on myself, and I do like the idea, I sleep better, 
but I hate the fact that this is just one more avenue where she controls my 
life, I would get emancipated but the only people I can live with don't have 
a room available and only have a couch that I would only be able to stay on 
for on for like a week. The only place where I could really go is my friend 
up in Santa Cruz, but I met him at a psych ward, and he is always strung out 
on some shit. The main thing I dislike about my mom is her self-destructive 
idealistic ideas on how she feels that everyone should live their life and the
sense of superiority she seems to get from those ideas. Where she feels that 
because she subscribes to the idea that there's good in any situation that
she is superior to me because I see things through a more pessimistic lense
and use that to formulate what I am going to do in the future, it is how I've
gotten through pretty much every situation in my life. I feel that
I would be slightly less annoyed by her doing this if she didn't give such
the non-answer of "you just need to change how you think of this" everytime
I bring up a problem to her. It's like telling a homeless person to go and
buy a house, you're describing the start and the end goal, but you're not
giving any advice on how to actually achieve that end goal, in a word, she
is pretentious. I get a headache whenever she brings that up because she
used that same line of logic when it came to my step dad, the one who cheated
on her like a million times and got written up for sexually assaulting a woman
at his workplace. She let that person near, let 8 year old me get attached to that
person, let me spend six years around that person with her knowing who he was
because she saw the silver lining in the situation. She threw me under the bus
by letting me get close to him. I hate her

That's all I can write, it's 1am, I need to go to bed.
I was going to make a reference to I have no mouth but I 
must scream but my brain is fried. I wrote this after
rolling around in bed because of how angry I was
and eventually just said "fuck it" and started writing
down everything that made me mad.