[09:38 21/9/25]

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I will elaborate more on this thesis.

I stopped taking my meds, started talking
to my ex again, did a bunch of stupid shit
and I'm pretty sure that I am back to
where I was half a year ago. (here's to
relapsing!) I genuinely am losing my fucking
mind.

Things have gotten worse with my daily routine.
I have something I call "the method" now. I 
wake up extremely anxious, have a panic attack
in the bathroom, go back to laying down, stare
at the clock until 7:30, either don't get up 
and my mom finds me rolled up in a ball on
my bed, or I do get up and take a shower. 
I then get to school 15 minutes late, lay
my head down because everything is so damn
loud at school, I can't think straight or
focus. Get to lunch, talk to my friends
for like 30 minutes, and then go to the 
"chill" classes. Chemistry, psychology,
and US history. Those are the only classes
where I feel I can focus. Then I head
home, take an hour nap, then spend two
hours working on assignments. 

The method is a daily experience for
me, and while I do have the power to
change my actions. I don't think anything
will stop the worst part of the method
without leaving the school, the mornings.
My district sucks in general. During the
days where the method goes south and I
cry in my bed for an hour after having 
the panic attack, that gets counted against
me at school. At this time I have four 
sunday schools that I have to attend to
attend graduation. This number will continue
to go up due to how close I am to going
psychotic again, if I haven't already.

Off the method, I have been very violent
this past week or so. Punched a hole in
my dresser after cutting things off with
my ex-boyfriend-friend. Completely trashed
my room for the most part that day, then
finished it off by watching halloween
on DVD. I always get in the mood to watch
an entire movie when I do something
mindnumbingly stupid. Mom found the craters
in my desser after she woke up on Monday,
The Method always seems to fail on Monday,
so I was in bed crying. Said that she was
going to replace it, asked me why I was
crying, as usually I gave a non-answer,
I've gotten better at not giving those,
but when I get that bad I usually hole
myself in the corner with a shotgun and
a NO TRESPASSERS sign. A day after that,
me and my mom had a conversation and
I got mad so I kicked down a gate and
went upstiars. The cops got called, they
threatened to take me to juvie or back
to the ward if I ever did something like
that again. I've been watching myself since,
but at any moment, I might do it again, and 
that scares me.

I feel like the sky is falling and all I
can do is watch. I feel so powerless with
what my future is, what my situation is
like. I feel like I am pushing everyone 
away very slowly. I feel like this is going
to end horribly for everyone surrounding me,
I genuinely do not know what I am doing
anymore. I am scared, I feel trapped, and
a part of me wants to go back into treatment.
I want to die, I want the paranoia and the
fear to go away, I want to destroy my room,
I want to be free, I want to be happy, I 
don't want to be terrified, I don't want
to die, I want to be with my ex again,
I want to scream, I don't want to wake
up tomorrow, I don't want to be on
my meds again, I want it all to go away,
I want to be in a world where I am not
scared to be myself, I want to feel like
myself inside of my own body, I want
to feel like my body is a conduit instead
of a prison, I want the noise to stop, I
want to be able to go to sleep with a smile,
I want to wake up wtih a smile, I don't
want to relapse.

What the fuck am I doing anymore, what
is the point of any of this? My very
identity in this country is being
snuffed out like a cold. All of my friends
are being radicalized under the cause
of killing all republicans. Violence
begets violence, war breeds war. This
will not end well. We are heading towards 
something, maybe a war, a change to the
very essence of the country, or nothing.
I don't know which I prefer more. 

I am so fucking anxious, I don't know
why, I feel like a faceless version of
my friend is right next to me. I always
get this way when I am stressed. I don't
hallucinate, my mind just implies it. 
They're always faceless. When I was 
living with my dad and I would feel
like faceless versions of my family
members were watching me, when I was
going through my episode back in October,
my gender dysphoria was given form in 
my mind and kept appearing in my dreams
as some weird amalgamation of the cat
thing that Femtanyl uses for their 
album art and a bunch of trans people
I have met. On the topic of gender
dysphoria, that has gotten much worse.
I cannot look at myself in the mirror 
anymore without getting really mad
and/or anxious. I don't feel like
this body is mine anymore, I don't
feel like I am me anymore. I don't
know how much more I can take of 
this. Nowhere feels safe anymore.
I keep going in loops, even in this
conversation I keep going in loops.
I guess I knew this was going to 
happen the moment I made this file,
which is why I named it Interstate-8.

Started talking to my ex again,
this is going to end horribly,
but I want him back, I want to
feel something again.

If I keep on writing this will
go in circles forever until I
have a panic attack or break 
something agian. So I will
end this here. I will probably 
be back as I have no self control,
evident by how many bad
situations I willingly put 
myself in. 

Have a good rest of your morning SDF
-sage