[8/19/25]

It's a strange feeling, getting everything
you've wanted in life, at least socially 
and still feeling empty. These feelings
were brought about by listening to an
old song from a game I played two years
back. It reminded me of when I used to 
live with my step father. At the time
I only had one friend, he treated me
horribly, but I was happy, I felt 
whole. I often wonder if this emptiness
comes from not having a father figure,
or really anyone who I can latch onto
and say that I care about this person
as much as they care about me. I have
gotten what I've wanted. I'm in sports,
I have so many people who care about me,
friends, but it doesn't help. It makes 
me wonder, what is the secret to what
made me feel fulfilled back then? What
made life worth living at that moment
in time? These are questions I ask 
myself daily. The two answers that
I've come up with were: having a full
family, seeing my mom happy with 
somebody that she could say she loved
more than herself made me feel better.
Maybe it was the fact that I was
innocent for the most part, the perils
and stressors of today just didn't
exist within me at the time, lightening
the load of existence. 

I try not to dwell in the past too often,
as I cannot go back to it. None of those
moments will ever occur again as the 
variables for which I stand upon have
shifted and changed enough where the 
scenery is almost unrecognizable. 
I guess in a way, I should be glad
for these changes, it keeps life
interesting. A subset of the variables
have changed enough where I was
able to join a cross-country team.
The practice today was pretty fun,
I met some nice people, almost passed
out, and then ate some grapes. Good
times. On a more serious note, the
four miles of running, while exausting
was very fun. The weights and calisthenics
made me feel alive, and the people made
me feel welcomed. Coach described it
as one giant family during one her
talks with the team, and I am inclined
to agree with her on that observation.
Though I might feel empty, though it might
be harder to get up just off the basis
that I'm running out of what once drove
me forward, I still have two legs, two arms,
and a pair of eyes. These and a multitude
of other complex biological systems drive
me forward and help me live my life the 
way I want to. In that sense, I'm grateful.

"Did I want love? Did I need to know, why
does it always feel I'm caught in an undertow?"

goodnight
-sage