[10/5/25 10:27PM]

Ever get the feeling that you are doing
something horribly wrong, or that you
have messed up a good moment in a way
that has deprived you of experiencing
the fruit that moment was supposed to
bring? I've been feeling that way recently,
just got off a call with my boyfriend,
he confessed, "I might be falling in
love with you", and I didn't know how
to react. I want to say so many things
with him, I want to experience so much
with him, but we are limited by barriers
of distance. We met at a treatment center,
got close, got very close, broke up, got close
again, I left, we get close again, and now we're
very close yet again. I feel that the range
of emotion that we as humans can experience
get amplified when it comes to love. At the
same time, our own barriers when it comes 
to our own limits on what we feel comfortable
with sharing, even though we really want to 
conflicts with the love we feel for that 
person. It's almost like the immovable object
meets an unstoppable force, I feel the only
way the immovable object becomes less static
is through time, or alcohol. Depending on the
situation, the type of person, so on and so fourth,
either situation is beneficial. Sometimes time
can stagnate things depending on our own anxiety,
my example being what I wanted to tell to him versus
what I was comfortable with sharing. While I feel
that time, more late night two hour calls, and
bonding can lead to me being able to open up more,
I would also like to talk about things that I am
not exactly comfortable with talking about, it
only seems fair with how he is sharing things
that he isn't very comfortable with sharing,
love is a two-way street, even if it is between
two long distance mentally ill teenagers who met at a
long term care facility, but I digress. I feel that
I ruined it though, instead of talking what I felt
was necessary, I talked about symbolism and how
trains made us both feel (which was very interesting,
we both learnt that we grew up with listening to train
noises, and as such, both associate the train whistles
with childhood). At the same time, would talking about
what I wanted to talk about have brought about unforseen
consequences that would only impact us when it is too
late to salvage? All of these questions float through my
head constantly, which is why I associate myself with 
Chidi from The Good Place. I am too caught up in the ethical
and philosophical complications of my actions that I fail
to make a decision entirely, leading me to live a very
indecisive life, though "I am young, and these things
come with time", so I should listen to my needs in the
moment, and make a decision when I feel the time is right.
I will call him tomorrow, I told him something that made
him cry right after he told me how he feels alone most days,
told him that if he needed to urgently call me I would drop
everything to try to call him. This rings true, to an extent.
I will drop everything if I have my phone on me/service and if I see
it. Which leads me to ask myself a question, will he resent
me if I don't pick up the phone in these situations. Have I
preemptively ended our relationship with this one action?
A scenario that plays out in my head is that I am in one of
my daily fights with my mom, he needs to call, and I leave
the argument to call him. Will my mom disable my service
or do any of that other dumb shit if I need to leave our
regular pissing matches to focus on something that matters?
If so, and I am able to view the text, showing that I read
it, but she disables my phone before I can call him, will
he think that I have abandoned him? Is this even a question
I should have to ask myself in a relationship such as this
one? I guess in a long distance relationship this is a reasonable
question. You cannot read body language over the phone,
we are just voices with our different fluctuating tones in
pitch depenending on our moods. Maybe over facetime? I don't
know.

I feel uncomfortable with posting
this to SDF, but at the same time,
for archival purposes, I feel that
the only way I can truly keep this
moment crystalized is if it is 
public, if I ever lose the account,
I lose this mindset.

Goodnight SDF
-Sage