and IIIIII doooon't know
Well I could go away and you could wish that I had
stayed, or just stayed gone


Anyways, the last ehhhh... two? months or so have
been eventful, they always are. So, I left PHP 
(partial hospitilization program) a couple of weeks
ago. To be honest, it feels as if I just left, for
the good and the bad that comes with those thoughts.
I miss them, when I say them I mean the collective
of every person I have met from every single treatment
center, even the ones I hated, or I just miss feeling
like having a sense of community. One of those two, I
guess.

I started at my new high school on July 27th, which was
kind of ironic given that I left and subsequently started
at php on May 27th. I like dates, more or less how 
unintentional patterns appear in the most unexpected
of places. For example: my father seems to weasel himself
back into my life every eight months. March 28th 2024
 - When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. D
ecember 10th-ish - When I decided to try to talk to him 
again. August 10th - When he appeared on our door threatening
to sue my mom. Dates are funny. 

When I was in residential, I met somebody and became very close
friends with them. Later, after we reconnected, we talked pretty
much everyday. Even later than that, after I moved back to my 
hometown, he confessed that he liked me after I said to him
that I met someone. He was always greened out, he does his whole 
"oh lets talk, oh nevermind"
speil that he always went on when dealing with a touchy 
topic. I asked him if he liked me on call, which then
he said yes. This was right after I was done calling
the other person, so we were still technically dating. I
told him that I was dating someone else, and that it was
perfectly fine to be attracted to me, it wouldn't affect
our friendship. That call was the most awkward 10 minutes
of my life. I sat on the idea of either dating the person
I was already with, a short range relationship that I
could openly see the person with, but they were already
taking things way too far after a first day of technically
being together, or I could try things with him, a long
term relationship that I had a hunch wouldn't work out.
The next day I told the other person that we weren't a thing
after a day and that I was going to go and talk to other people.
It was a really shitty way of handling it and I regret it. I then
said to the person I met at residential that I wanted to try dating,
even if I didn't think it'd work out because I cannot do long
distance. We got together, dated for like a week. Then I had
a panic attack because I thought he was cheating on me, plus 
school that had just started. The thought crossed my mind
to take a break, but I ignored it. He told me about the fact
that he cut off some of his friends because he thought that
they hated him. He went through phases of thinking that
people hated him. Everytime I'd leave call, he make this
weird voice and ask me "WHY DO YOU HATE ME". I always took
it as a weird game, but looking back on it, I think it 
was something to do with his attachment issues. He also
was almost always hitting something, might it be a vape,
a cart, or something else. It reminded me of my grandma
and her life destroying alcohol abuse issues and I told
him about that. Still, he'd ask me if I wanted to call
him while he's on his roof and getting geeked out. A
couple of times while we'd be on call, he'd say
"I swear to god if you leave the call while I'm hitting
this". It was like, what the fuck did you expect? Drugs
in general remind me of a lot of bad times in my life.
Finally, we were on call once and he must've been
on something because he said to me after a conversation
about murder, I honestly do not remember how we got
to that topic. He said to me "I wouldn't leave you
if you killed my cat, I love you that much." That shit,
at the time didn't set off any red flags, because of
course it didn't. Looking back on it, WHAT THE FUCK.
Why would you say that? 

I decided to take a break after talking to my psychologist
over at my new school about how I was always stressed
in the relationship. She told me that at my age, I shouldn't
be that stressed about a relationship that I am having
panic attacks. An hour later I told him that I wanted to
take a break, this was mostly to see if I still wanted to
do long distance, and how I could make it work. That didn't
go according to plan as he took that as me wanting to dump him,
leaving me with one final conversation about how he hated me,
how he planned his future with me in it, etc. etc. I was
trying to be caring the entire time because I still wanted
to make it work. He then blocked me on everything, deleted
our playlist, and disappeared off the face of the earth.

Later, my dad went up to our door, demanded to see me, and
then threatened to take my mom to court, as I said. This
prompted me to text him saying: "Hey I just want to 
reiterate, I don't want to see you or talk to you. It
isn't my mom controlling me or whatever you think, I
don't want to see you" he then responded with "Why is 
that?" Which prompted me to respond with "Because you
treated me like garbage pretty much my entire life,
please stop contacting me". He then went on a rant
about how taking me out to the ranch didn't
traumatize me, and how he loved me more than he loved
himself. Comparing himself to the giving tree and all.
Blaming me for leaving my soccer team when I was 9 
and leaving him as a coach, saying that embarrassed him.
Saying that it is okay to feel ashamed, that he loves
me. It got to me, it made me angry. I threw insults at
him, said that I was better without him in my life
and blocked him. I haven't recieved a text from him
since, maybe he'll take my mom to court in eight
months.

Later that night, the person who had dumped me
texted me if I was up. I told him yes. He said
that he had some things that he wanted to talk 
about but since it seems that I don't want to
talk to him, he'll leave. Still doing that 
beating around the bush thing. I told him that
I don't think that we should talk, and that 
we'd be better off without each other in our
lives. I then told him to fuck off. It wasn't
my proudest moment, and like many things over
the past couple of weeks, I regret it. He then
told me to fuck off and to get a life. I then
told him that before he gets anyone close
to him, to get his shit together as while
he seems like a nice person, he is fucked in the 
head. 

I feel that most of that was anger and projection
on my part, even if it did fit with him as well.
It was dumb, I knew it was dumb, I should've just 
let it go. 

I didn't go to school the next day, I have trouble
getting out of bed in the morning mostly because
I just feel really crappy emotionally when waking
up most days. That day, Monday, was different. I
couldn't will myself to do anything. I was ashamed
with what I had said, in my delerious state I thought
I was a monster. I was trying to get up at 7:00, instead
I got out of bed at 12:00. That day was rough, everything
had culminated into an abstracting mess of bad thoughts.

I haven't heard from him since, it's been three days. 
Somebody did try to get into my instagram account though.

Beyond that though I had kept up a chain with a friend
of mine who went to the Philippines on a mission. He
was a mormon. I forgot to read his email yesterday,
so while I was in art class I opened it up on my
phone and read it. He told me in response to saying
to preserve himself, and don't become elder, that 
people constantly change. He wasn't the same person
he was a year ago, a month ago, nor even a week ago.
He told me about how he never thought that somebody
who'd sent him hissing cat gifs in some Egg Inc fan
server circa 2021 would become someone who he'd be
sending messages about his life in the philippines.
It meant a lot to me and almost made me tear up. 
It felt like the first piece of warmpth I'd felt
all that week. It felt like how the transition
from the world at large to float on felt. I told
my art teacher that I needed to see my councelor 
and I went to go and talk to her.

I told my friend not to change not because I was
scared that he would become a mormon salesman,
well that was part of it. It was mostly because I
was scared to lose him as a person, I was scared
of losing the person I had become friends with,
even if we had only truly known each other as 
something more than a walking gimmick for a year.

Now, I am writing this. I could've written more 
about my week, but I honestly don't want to pad
it out, since I might want to talk about those
subjects in later logs.

I am not doing well, but I am definitely 
nowhere near how shitty I was five to eight 
months ago. 

Have a good rest of your day
-Sage