(01-05-25)

I realize that I cannot be alone. I spent the last two 
days having a fun time with my brothers. The moment
they leave, for work I feel depressed. I start 
reliving the past and my problems again. I don't
know why I am programmed to immediately look at
the bad things in my life. I would like to unlearn
that, I've asked some people on a forum about
coping mechanisms for the problems I've been
facing involving the visions and reliving the
feelings I had while living with my father.
No response yet but it's only been an hour,
I'll give it more time. The past day or two
has been great, been with somebody constantly
so I always had something to distact me from
those emotions. There'd be little cracks, 
little flashes of moments, little droplets
of voices, but that's about it. Nothing 
major, maybe a bit alarming for the person
next to me, randomly I say a phrase in an
aggressive tone for no reason, but that's
about it. Writing this, I'm starting to
calm down a bit. Put some good music
on, ignoring the thoughts. I don't
know how long this strategy will 
last for, but I hope it lasts for
long enough that I can see somebody 
in person.

Came out to both of my brothers today 
about me being trans. They immediately
started calling me May instead of my
deadname, which I appreciate. They
care.