[3/25/25 17:32]


I was going to write something here,
I forgot what it was sadly. What I do 
know, as it as been burned into my 
very spirit is that change is something
that can occur. I have convinced myself
that I cannot feel any differently, that
everything is hopeless, bought into a 
sense of nihilism as a coping mechanism.

Things can change however, I have seen it,
I have felt it. I have been in a place where
I have felt better, where I have felt human.
It isn't easy with where I am at. But a talk
with my mom has given me a reality check, I
feel better, even at least in the moment. 
While I do not buy into a life where the 
constant undertone is one of suffering, I
do like the idea of change. She told me that
if I laser-focus on something, it will occur.
While a few hours ago, I didn't know who I was,
I only existed, as I believed in the moment, 
"an agent of selflessness tainted by the 
shortcomings of man". I feel better now, I
feel like a person. While I feel as if the 
change is a lie, a distraction from the apathy
I have felt for most of my life, it's worth 
trying. The memories I cling to are built off
the sense that things can get better. 

I just feel lost, that's all. Every time I've
tried to start again, it blows up in my face.
It kicks me down and spits in my eye. Suicide
isn't an option however, I will hurt too many
people in my crusade against this feeling
of dread. 

I'm going to rebuild, try to change my outlook
on things, as I know I can get better. I cling
to the years past for the reason that I felt 
different, so as it seems, things can change.

Have a good day for anyone patient enough to
read through this circular post. I'm more or
less trying to convince myself of these facts.