[2024-11-17 11:08:11]

Today was good, this week hasn't.
Talked with my psychiatrist on
Friday about how I was feeling,
filled out a sheet on suicidal
ideation. Almost downed my entire
bottle of antipsychotics on 
Wednesday, what stopped me was
the sense that I should at least
walk my dogs a final time before
committing the deed. So, I'm
going to abuse that. If I 
never see my dogs again then
I will never complete the 
wager that'll end my life,
or end me up in a mental 
institute. Either way I'm
probably ending up there
due to my conflict, 
politically and in other 
ways. Opening up mental
institutes again and
not explaining the criteria
for how someone gets 
admitted makes me think it'll
go back to a similar system
of how wives could be sent
to one for talking too much,
just for anyone who is 
queer. My mom likes to find
the silver lining in things,
which in this situation I 
don't think is applicable.
Trying to find the silver
lining in something like
this is moronic, especially
if the problem can be
fixed, only if on a state
level. Scary ass times
we're living in, glad
I didn't OD on my meds
on Wednesday, I like 
living, even if for the
small moments. 

On a slightly different
topic, my meds are likely
to become much more expensive
due to the new head in the
department of health. Fun,
I love an already heavily
flawed healthcare system
getting worse. I don't
have much to look forward
to, do I? It seems whatever
direction I look in, there's
going to be a pile of shit
I have to sift through for
a little piece of corn. 
Though, I guess I have
to find something to be happy
about, otherwise I might not
have the capacity to find things
to be happy about anymore.

Have a good rest of your
morning SDF
-may