[12/14/2024 - 16:56:18]

I made a wager with my mom a week ago, if I didn't get out of
the depressive state I'm in I'll have to go on meds again.
Given the writing style of the last post, I hope this one
doesn't go in the same direction. Depression is a bitch,
at least for me, it never goes away and it only gets worse
when I have bouts of PTSD. 

This is a DEADHISTORY post, so I will be documenting how
I've gotten myself to where I am, with really nobody in 
person, beyond my family who I can talk to. To make it short:
I became friends with a person a couple of years ago who
due to family issues and overall mental health issues, 
went psychotic and threatened to do some really bad things
involving my school. This has left me marked as "his friend",
nobody really talks to me as they think that I'm also that way.
After getting out of the mental hospital, he got a new start
somewhere a couple hundred miles away from where I am. We 
still talk everyday and I don't hate him for doing that.
He was a mess back then and no mental health professional
took anything he said seriously. Though this leaves me
pretty alone, which sucks. Since then I've tried to kill
myself multiple times, in different ways of course. 
Variety is the spice of life afterall. Got admitted 
into an IOP group after the first attempt, I was there
for about three months. Those were the happiest three
months of 2024 just due to the fact that I had people
to talk to. It wouldn't surprise me if they disliked
me, I'm a pretentious shitbag. Some people got admitted
due to drug problems, which I acted like I knew anything
about so I could relate to them on some level. I've
never done any drugs outside of getting really messed
up on paint thinner fumes at jobsites with my dad
and alcohol. My condition became more managable while
I was in the IOP program, didn't get any better outside
of it. The side effect to looking like you're rapidly
improving is that you tend to get kicked out of those
programs. So once again I was left with nobody. Months
went by and I was left with the diagnosis of "low grade
depression". During early october I thought it'd be a 
fun idea to friend this random account from an old group
chat. Turns out it was one of the friends I left after
an episode in 2021. We didn't talk for long, he didn't
even remember me. I hadn't thought about him in a while
and after talking to him, repressed memories came flooding
back. After a slog of some of the worst days I've 
ever had, constant headaches, thinking that people were
going to kill me, thinking that somebody was trying to
control my motorics, I got put on meds, invega to be
exact. I was really excited to get those meds, I wanted
to feel normal again. I had unfriended somebody who 
I'd known for a while then refriended him. We hadn't
talked on a personal level in a while and I told him
how I was doing. He took pity on me and talked to
me everyday for a week. It was all just reminiscing,
playing games we played when we talked on a daily
basis and overall, it was nice, but short lived. 
He was only there because he pitied me and thought
he owed me. After that, everything blurs together,
I've been fighting one long episode
for the past 60+ days. It never stops and I don't
know if it'll get any better. I've been trying to 
talk to my brothers everyday, they're busy and don't
contact me unless I contact them. An in-person shoulder
to cry on is not a luxury I've been able to afford.
I don't like my therapist, but he's the best I got.
He hasn't experienced most of the hardships his 
clients talk to him about. He has lived a relatively
easy life, became a therapist to take after his father.
If he got the job at where he works due to nepotism 
is beyond me. He is very on-the-book about problems,
it's the source he draws from on everything. He is 
trying his best though. When I talk to him about
my problems I don't feel any better, compared to
when I talk about them to somebody online. I can't
talk to my mom, she's been through things but I don't
feel comfortable talking to her about my problems.
When I do, she takes the more direct approach of 
saying that I need to find things to do. When I 
remind her that I've been going to the gym and
been trying to take more walks, that's the end of
her advice. The only time I really cry is when she
is at work, she comes in and nags at me to tell her
what's wrong, that it's making her feel bad as well.
I know that most of these posts are repetitive, 
but when I write these out it feels like I'm talking
to somebody who cares. It also helps with reflection,
I've been making it a habit to write out a decision 
before doing it. 



I've tried to distance myself from my dad again, the
man is broken and neurotic. The last time I tried to 
help him, he dragged me down with him. I haven't built
up the courage to say that I don't want to talk to him
again, and that these last few days were just a test
to see if he has changed, but that in of itself is a
daunting challenge. Pretty much everyone in my family
is that way, barring my aunt and somewhat my uncle.
Magnets of codependency leeching on anyone who even
takes a glance at their current condition. I should
distance myself from my dad's side of the family,
nothing good will come out of being near them. For now,
I'll just stop responding to his texts.