[Halloween, 20:14:23]

My meds are still in limbo. The fucking insurance company is taking their sweet 
time authorizing it. Today, I just feel depressed to a degree I haven't felt in 
a month or so. I'm pretty sure I'm sick, but I feel sick everyday, it's just 
something I have to live with now. Don't know if I have cancer or not and 
I'll never know because my mom's a nurse and that means she's clairvoyant. I 
spent the last hour or so just laying in bed and crying, I don't have anyone 
really left with to talk about my problems with and it's my fault. I don't talk 
to anyone in person, I've been without a voice for long enough that talking is 
labored in most crowded social situations. I have nobody beyond my family left 
and I feel as if I'm not long for this world. There's nothing left for me to 
experience in this life and what's the point of going on if I feel like shit 
through all of it. My entire life has been one long joke. My early years were 
spent without a mother, a father who took his anger out on a baby, and a little 
later my step mom. She was the only person who really cared for me unconditionally, 
I miss her dearly. My mom came back into my life when I was around three, but by 
that time my social development was already messed up. I spent most of elementary 
school without friends because I lived in a small bubble town and beat the shit out 
of my classmates in kindergarten, leaving me with nobody. My only friend during that 
time sexually assaulted me. The pandemic was spent with a group of people who did care 
for me, but because of how unstable I was, I either shut them out or they left me. By 
the end of it I was left with only one person, they insist on being friends with me 
out of a sort of nostalgia, I was the only person during 7th grade who talked to him, 
and he was the only person during 7th grade who talked to me. 8th grade to where I am now, 
10th has been lonely, I moved to a new school, had only one friend who did something psychotic 
and got expelled because of it. Leaving me with that mark, I spent the rest of these two years 
not really talking to anyone, I feel lost and lonely. I don't have my cat anymore due to her 
smart decision to run off and I don't have my dogs anymore due to me leaving my excuse of a 
father. I still hear his voice, that smug pleasure he got out of telling 7 year old me about 
all of the stuff my mom did, how she left me, how she's a whore. I still see his car, the same 
first three 9C0. He's been following me. Though in the end, he has too much to lose and he can 
just make another vector for his nepotism filled scheme of immortality through remembrance. 
That's the only reason he loved me anyways, the reason he tried to deter me from continuing any 
education beyond high school. 

To smooth the log, I feel like shit and I'm probably having an episode of some sort. I need rest 
but it will likely never come. I hope whoever reads this had a better halloween than me.

Goodnight SDF
-may