10/26/2024 - 8:18PM

Wrote an entire log about two days ago, the problem was that I accidentally pressed N. I'm pretty sure I hit my head that day, I was pretty foggy and just kind of sent a stream of thoughts out to see what'd hit the wall the hardest. The last 10 days or so have been 
very rough. After a bit of self-reflection a couple of days ago, I left a server full of a bunch of people I considered friends. The transgressions of the people aboard that server were too great to stay within good conscious. Today, I feel good, not great, just 
good. Ate some food, went on a quick night walk. Something always happens when I go and take the trash out at night. The lack of any sort of noise, the low light, and the night skies make the area look completely different. Even since 2020, when I was an idiot, I 
thought that this felt like a place between worlds, a transition point between the living world and whatever laid beyond. Due to that, I got a strange sense to just start walking down the street, it was peaceful out. All the lights were off and the ambient dB was 
very low compared to the daytime. It sucks that I spent my early teenage years battling with what the crescendo of the pandemic laid before me. Though I guess 2022-2023 were really the only years where I felt "true" happiness. I felt like a person, it was the 
middlepoint before I started to develop some of the worse PTSD symptoms, I still had my cat to keep me anchored to reality. That cat was really my best friend, we spent every waking moment together. She left after smelling the blood in the water, we had to take her 
to a no-kill shelter after the manchild that is my mom's ex cheated on her. The condo we moved into was too small to keep a roommate, two dogs, and a cat. We could've made it work in retrospect, the dogs didn't bother the cat and I don't think that the roommate 
would've minded the cat either. Though either way, I cannot change the past. She ran away and was probably incinerated or put into a mass grave. No collar, no chip, nothing to signify that she was a housecat. While she was a resourceful little one, she also wasn't 
very sociable with the other neighbors. The way I see it, she was probably ran over. It's a sad fate, but one all too common. The more I look back at those moments, the more I realized that losing my cat affected me more than leaving my dad, losing the only person 
I considered to ever be a father figure, losing pretty much all of my friends, and losing the town I loved. It was that damn cat, it's the only thing I look back on and cry about. I've never been that social of a person, never really felt any sort of compassion for 
many people either. Other than my mom, I think that cat was the only thing I considered family.

Spiraling and depression aside, the last 10 days have not been fun. Though it isn't the psychosis funhouse adventure I had the two weeks before that, I should be grateful that hasn't continued. I see my psychiatrist in about three days, my therapist on the same day 
as well. I'm planning on telling both about my gender dysphoria and going from there. It seems that the episode I had made me cope with the dysphoria in weird ways. It has split off into a different voice inside my mind, it has a different voice than me, in some 
cases at night, it gets so bad that I start speaking the tone it does. A more feminine tone. It's alarming and I need meds for it. My trauma therapist thinks that I might have DID of some sort, that's at least his assertation of the situation I'm currently in. 
I'm inclined to believe it. 

Goodnight Gopher and SDF.org, have a good night.