[2024-11-20 10:30:59]

I haven't been keeping up with
writing logs, that has probably
affected my mental state in a 
small way. The suicidal ideation
is getting stronger by the day.
Yesterday and today all I could
think about was ending my own
life. It doesn't help that my
brothers cannot take 5 minutes
out of their day to talk to me.
We're inside a group chat together.
They are active inside of that group
chat, when I try to talk to them
they don't respond. It's been like 
two weeks. The last time I talked
to my brother was when I called
him over my mom's phone about
plans for thanksgiving. He
told me that I'm just depressed
and that I should tell the
psychiatrist to stop prescribing me
my meds. Me being "depressed" is 
a phrase I've heard from many
mental health professionals over
the past couple of years. Only
after going through 20 therapists
has one ever taken anything I've
said seriously. Every single one
has tried to gaslight me into
thinking my mom or dad didn't
abuse me, or just taught me one 
skill over and over again. 
Conflict of interest is a bitch,
it especially sucks when it 
comes from a place of greed.

I don't know anymore, I just
feel very lonely. It isn't like
I have many people left in my
life anyways. My dads gone, my
dogs are gone, my cat is gone,
my step mom is gone, and my
grandma is fading away into
a bottle of brandy. My social
circle is getting smaller and
smaller, I'm just glad that
I found people who take what I
go through seriously instead
of just telling me that I'm
depressed.