[11/11/24 13:46:50]

Today was a reality check for me, walked
over to a restaurant to meet someone. I
insisted that I pay for their food since
they drove all the way over here, even if
I was just an afterthought since they had
an appointment. They told me that we will
split it as we are not friends just
acquaintances at this point. We had lived
in separate towns for half a year now,
talked on the phone everyday. I don't think
he meant it to be mean, though it still hurt.
I walked there in the rain, I didn't have a
car and I like the rain, we don't get it all
too often. I also walked home in it too, it's
nice. The beads dripping onto my face as the
harsh wind blows onto my thin jacket.

I feel as if I'm only using that as a scapegoat
to hide why I'm really sad. Everyday gets worse
with me trying to avoid the urge to call my father.
Today I forgot why I wanted to leave my father for
so long, only the notion that I shouldn't call him.
The thoughts got louder along with the urge. I'm
glad I resisted it. This is definitely a bit stupid,
but I don't want to take my meds today, I barely had
the motivation to write this log when I got home. I
want to cry, I would like to cry a lot. I have no
irl friends and I feel like a failure. The only
real conversation I know how to make that doesn't
turn into drivel is "How's your day?" I hate that
about myself, I'm good at writing but horrible
at talking with people. I wish I could just feel
happiness without any strings, something tangible.

My grandma got back into drinking right after I left.
The fruits of my labor were spoiled. Though I guess I
should've assumed that would happen. I'm dealing with
an alcoholic, not a rational, functional person. It
just sucks.

I feel very cold at the moment, it was a dumb idea
to walk in the rain. I want to die.