(December 17th, 2024)

[15:36]

I have been up for about 5 hours at this point.
Those 5 hours have been somewhat eventful. Got 
up, got dressed, brushed my teeth and then had
to haul ass half across town to make it to my 
therapist's appointment. I must've looked like
a mess, got weird looks on the walk over there.
Hell, almost got ran over by some guy in a van.
I was already in the middle of the crosswalk and
then he decides to take a left towards me, idiot.
Saw my therapist, we talked for a bit about life,
what had gone on in the past week. My perception 
of time has gone out of the window, my grounding
stake in time was my psychiatrist's appointment
on the 13th, that felt like a month or two ago.
Doing some quick math, going off of a expected 
lifespan of 80 years, 7 days roughly accounts for
0.0002% of my life. I tell myself this whenever
I feel that time is moving too fast or too slow,
it's a great coping mechanism. I got home roughly
at around 13:10, it is now 15:39. I've been doing
nothing for 0.000003% of my life and I feel fine.
My oldest brother is coming to visit us at 
~17:00. While we are playing cards, I'm going to
come out as trans to him. I know that he'll take
this well, he is a good person. Until then, I 
will continue to do nothing because I have nothing 
to do at the moment.

I'll update at around 21:00 

[20:28]

I don't know how to feel about the rest of the day.
After giving it more thought, putting my life on 
a percentage chart was probably not the best idea.
It was fun, sure. My brother talked to me about my 
problems, said that things would get better eventually.
I'm choosing to believe him, it's just daunting. I'm
really scared of losing the last few people I have left.

We played slap (Egyptian Ratscrew). I think that we enjoyed
it. Imagine War with more going on mechanically, and skill
being involved, plus reflexes. That's slap. We had soup 
along with it, it was really good. 

Eventually, my brother had to leave. I was too scared to
tell him that I am trans. I don't know why I didn't tell
him and frankly, I feel a bit like a failure because of 
it. He took some of my ramen that we had bought in bulk
a while back and never ate, and some seaweed. 

Me and my mom left for a gas station afterwards, I love
my town at night. Neon signs light every street corner 
and cars pass by in a flash, creating an appealing 
light pattern. Got some Takis, I like takis due to 
their balance of spice and lime. They've perfected 
it in such a way that every bite tastes like a 
spicy lime. 

Now, I'm at home. I had told myself that I'd check
out anonradio just to see what it was. At the moment
I'm listening to the live feed and I like the current
music playing. There seems to be a lot of personality
and care put into the lineup. I will probably tune 
in tomorrow as well. 

Goodnight SDF

sidenote: 
Ranking days is a dumb idea. It takes away from the
actual experience of the day.