(December 28th, 2024)

Today was pretty boring all
things considered. Wanted to
ask my roommate on tips on
doing voicetraining but
didn't get a chance. I 
haven't started on that,
which I really should given
that I hate my voice.
Still being called by my
first name instead of my
middle name. I feel really
horrible when I hear the name.

Went on a walk today, while I
wish I could copy what I said
on the walk, I cannot. Walks
at night are my form of
meditation, while they are
dangerous given the drivers
in this town, I do not care.
Something I've been trying,
mostly as a way of self-therapy
is going on walks in locations
I'm familiar with, routes I
commute down on a daily basis,
just at a different time of
day, a different contextual
manner as well. It is familiar
enough where I feel I can let
my guard down while I walk
down it, though it is foreign
enough where I feel I need to
start attaching my surroundings
to different experiences to
make sense of the surroundings.
The sky was beautiful out,
I spent most of the walk admiring
the clouds. 

There's albums and songs where
I feel that it isn't specifically
music in the same way that a spice
isn't a meal. It isn't meant to
be experienced on its own, it's 
meant to be experienced with other
stimuli. I would associate this
label with the album Radio Armor.
It's too noisy to consider it
ambient and there's too little
going on to consider it IDM. Droning 
noises mixed with distortions and
radio samples. Having my earbuds
in a state where noise is mirrored
along with the music just being
quiet enough where if I'm not paying
attention I don't register it 
in a conscious way. It adds an almost
otherworldly feel to the walk, made
me appreciate the surroundings. As
the sun started to go down and my 
thoughts became less erratic and
deranged, I felt my muscles relax.
The warmpth of my blood traveling 
through my arms and legs could be
felt. My worries went away as I
started to focus on the surroundings,
nothing mattered in those moments
except for the darkening clouds
and putting one foot in front
of the other. The album along with
the surroundings started to change
as the walk did. My least favorite
part of these types of walks arrived.
The shopping center of the town, 
at this point I was onto the latter
third of the album. The normal droning
noises started to be complimented by an
electric guitar playing every so often.
The walk became more dangerous as the 
sidewalks started to give way to endless
road. This was about the halfway point
to my walk, it only lasted for a couple
of minutes. The sense of calm replaced
with a slight fear and alertness, still
I could feel the blood pulse through
my arms in legs. The album ended around
the last third of the walk. The
dissociative state I was in for most
of the walk had ended. This was now a 
time for reflection. I thought about
why I was doing this project, why
I was writing down childhood trauma
I'd faced. It was obvious in that 
moment. I'd never really processed
the trauma I'd faced, just pushed
it down and acted apathetic to 
to future problems. Taking time
to recollect and write down my
experiences is how I process things.
In the months before I was a different
person. I denied my problems and 
avoided them, acted like everything
in my life was better after I'd
left. Had an emotional episode
or two a month, took it off
as some sort of freakish fluke.
Healing is a very slow process,
it should not be rushed. If you
feel like a failure because you
cannot get over a piece of trauma
or a behavior pattern, give it time,
don't rush yourself. It's a process.
I believe in you.

After the walk, I asked my mom
to pick up some canes on the way
back. The only thing I really ate
was a thing of noodles 8 hours
before. Calorie deficit isn't
a word in my vocabulary, almost
like habituation I'd stopped
responding to the early signs
of hunger, I didn't really feel
it until I crashed. My main
diet until dinner usually
consists of really shitty 
refined carbohydrates, so
crashing was a feeling that
I'd experienced often but
never really got used to. 
Had it real bad in the months
after leaving my dad's house
for good. I'm pretty sure
if my mom wasn't nagging at
me constantly I would've
gone days without food. Never
really got diagnosed with the
'nervosa though. My psychiatrist
said it was fine because I wasn't
losing weight, I get it, it
wasn't a serious problem if
I wasn't malnourished, even
if it's a psychological 
disorder, not a physical
one. I could go on for many
paragraphs on where it came
from but it's 23:24.

Lost an hour to writing 
random crap again, I'm
not disappointed I really
like writing now. After
separating academic writing
from personal, free writing
it's better. Nothing really
beats writing random thoughts
late at night.

Have a good rest of your night
SDF
-May