(December 27th, 2024)

I did stuff today, not much,
but still something. During
these past few days we've
been getting the dogs 
acclimated to the cat.
I'm not a dog person,
the way they act around
my cat worries me, my
mom doesn't seems worried
given the circumstances.
They don't respect the
cat's boundaries and 
when they eventually 
get batted at they
try to attack my 
cat. All it takes is
for one grapple around 
the neck and one 
puncture. My mom doesn't
take this seriously,
brings the dogs close
to the cat. If these dogs
kill my cat I will
take them a town over
and bring them to a
shelter. Though on the
unlikely positive, they'll
become friends, sleep
together and I won't have
to worry about that. Maybe
I'm just worried.

We went to Sacramento today
to eat at a Vietnamese 
place. It was pretty good,
got some curry and a thai
tea. Everything blended
nicely together into one
giant pond of flavor. Before
that we went to EcoThrift.
My mom had heard good things
walking in, it was a giant
box filled with clothes,
almost went in the wrong
way and got stopped by the
guard, I wasn't paying
attention. The place had
a wide variety of clothes,
though they were a bit 
pricey for how it was
advertised. Saw that
they had a technology
section and went to
go check it out. Old
CD players and monitors.
Found a goodie over at
the glassed off section.
A working condition
Xbox 360 for 50 bucks.
I wouldn't have bought
it but it was nice to
see one in the wild.
I didn't stay in the
store for long, asked
my mom for her car keys
and watched Dragon Ball
Z in the car. The area
we were in wasn't too
interesting, the sky
was cloudy and gave
everything a greyish
look to it. I love it
when the weather gets
like this, especially
when it rains. 

We had a bit of time
before the reservation
at the vietnamese place,
we went to go and see
one of my mom's friends.
She works at a large
discount store chain,
the color palate for
the interior gives off
that Breaking Bad
Mexico hue to the entire
surroundings. We couldn't
talk to her, she had a 
call to take after and
by the time she had hung
up we had a reservation
to get to. With a distant
goodbye we headed towards
the cloudy outside.

A question was asked today
while we were eating that
stuck with me. "Where do
I see myself by the end of
2025." I had many thoughts
of where I'd be by that time
but none of them I could really
bare to say. I responded with
I don't know, this prompted my
mom to respond with how dismissive
I am and that she just wanted
to have a conversation with me.
I told her that this wasn't a
good topic but that I didn't
have a backup topic in mind. 
She asked me why it was such
a sensitive topic, why I 
was so reluctant to tell her.
I told her I don't know again.
I don't know is a phrase I
use all too often when I clam
up, I wish I didn't but I also
wish that people would stop
prying when I tell them that
this topic isn't good. I
guess that now I'm at a 
keyboard, away from my 
family I should try to
answer this question for
myself, maybe it'll get
easier to say it if I 
plot out the scene.

By the end of 2025 I
hope to socially 
transition, maybe even
start on estrogen if 
I'm lucky. I will 
be in better shape 
by then just given 
my gym regiment. I'll
be a junior by that 
point. By that time
I hope to have my
father's side of
the family completely
out of my life, I
hope to move on from
the problems that have
haunted me for almost
three years now. 
I will maintain a 
good GPA throughout
all of my classes so
there's no need to 
worry about that,
My GPA will stay at
a consistent 3.2 in
my college classes.
By then, the barrier
point of October will
be a long distant past
within my mind, hopefully
I keep up with the logs,
or at the very least move
to other techniques of
storing logs. I hope
everyone can make it
through 2025 in one
piece, this year will
be rough for a lot of
people. If I feel that 
I cannot say that to my 
mom, then the first step 
towards achieving those 
goals will never come to 
fruition.

I feel that I should open
up a bit about why I dislike
dogs so much. The two family
pets that we had, Pongo and
Sonic were extremely violent
due to trauma and the fact
that my dad refused to get
them clipped. Back in 
September they almost killed
each other, still, my dad 
didn't get them clipped. 
When I was small, we got
a litter of baby cats. 
Having a screen door the
dogs could smell the cat
and thus, could get 
acclimated to them. 
Supervised, we'd let the
dogs around the cats, they
coexisted. Overtime, the
screen door slowly got ripped
and we paid less and less
attention to the door. 
One day we're coming home
and I see a little black thing
on the grass. Thinking it 
was one of my rain boots I
went up to it to inspect it.
What I saw before me was one
of the little kittens with
two puncture marks across 
the neck. In the end I
cannot blame the dogs,
they were raised in a 
horrible environment
and grew up to be mean.
One of the clearest 
memories from when I 
was six involved my
dad attaching a 
tricycle to the eldest
dog's collar. The
dog ran until his legs
gave out, the entire
time my dad laughing 
like a maniac. He
used to tell that story
at the dinner table like
it was the funniest shit
on the planet. I got very
close to murdering him
during 2021. He
is evil to the core,
let his upbringing 
break him and as such
he took it out on the
ones closest to him. 
He has ruined countless
lives and will ruin 
countless more given
his position of 
wealth, never made
me sign an NDA on
half the stuff he 
bragged about doing
to save insurance 
money in the case
of injury with his
workers so if he 
ever contacts me
again I'll use it
as blackmail. He
has one big client
who wouldn't benefit
from being associated
with a piece of trash
like him.

I'll stop spiraling now,
it won't do me any good
to go down that train of
thought this late into the
night. I've been writing 
for about an hour now. 
I'm surprised at how much
I've been writing for these
logs, even if it goes past
the intended purpose of
inquiring on how my day 
went. These are theraputic,
even if I go a bit overboard.
I hope whoever reads this
has a goodnight, it is 
around 00:13 by the end
of this log.

Have a goodnight 
-May