(December 23rd, 2024)

[10:23 PST]

Woke up about two hours 
ago, spent most of it 
in bed. I hope things 
don't get worse later.
Got up, took a shower,
spent a good ten minutes 
staring at myself 
blankly in the mirror
before going back and
writing this. I don't
know if some of the
people in my life 
only respond to my 
struggles out of 
a feeling of obligation
or not. It just feels
hollow, the canned
responses. I've made
a bad habit out of 
checking my blocked
texts every so often.
Seeing him text me
over and over again.
I sometimes day dream
about him trying to 
pick me up at school
and the response I 
could say to get him
to go away over the
phone. Thinking too
hard beyond this will
probably spark some
really shitty feelings
so I'm going to stop
writing for now.

[23:28 PST]

Today was a better day
than I expected. I 
don't mean that in the
"I don't deserve it"
kind of way, I just
mean it in the contextual
sense that I'm unmedicated
and was so depressed the
last week that I could 
barely get off the 
couch. Did what I usually
do, which I've been doing
every single day for
almost a week now. Going
to the gym, working out
for 20 minutes and then
walking home. There isn't
jack shit in the way
of walkability of this
town. This is a car
centric town, no bike
lanes, multiple lanes,
elderly drivers rampant,
Doug would be pleased. 
This makes the town a
wreck to walk at times.
There's sidewalks, sure.
But you also have that
occasional person 
who puts their rose garden
where the sidewalk is 
supposed to be. I am
really at the mercy of
the home owner on this
one. Looking at Samsung
Health, I have walked
10 miles today. Everyday
where I go to the gym
I walk at least 7 miles.
I'm not complaining, I 
love walking, don't love
the cars though. I don't
live in Europe so I'll
just have the suck up 
the cars part. Watched
a lot of Dragon Ball 
Abridged today. That's
probably the reason I
wasn't depressed today.
Nothing really changed
in my schedule, just
had something to make
me laugh. Speaking of
which, for it being
a parody it has some
of the best writing
I've seen in a while.
Characters are expanded
upon, joke characters 
actually have substance
behind them, that sort
of thing. I feel attached
to the characters unlike
how it is in Dragon Ball 
Z. It's great, if you 
haven't watched the 
series yet I highly 
recommend it. Talked
to some more people, 
I might start voice
training soon. In private
of course, my mom knows
about my change, I just
don't really want to 
have that conversation
with her yet, I don't
want to have a lot
of conversations with
my mom in general. 
Got some tips from a 
few people I talk to
and, I cannot wait. 
Also, I figured out
that I can get 
PAYDAY: The Heist's
soundtrack in PAYDAY 2
if I buy the soundtrack.
It was 5 bucks on steam.
I was surprised by
how much extra goodies
came along with it.
24bit 48Khz lossless WAV
files for each of the tracks.
Every single one of the
song components broken
down into their stock
for remixes, and more,
great stuff. Today
was a break, maybe
a breather. I have no
clue, maybe santa
put something in the
ventilation system of
our house.

Gun Metal Grey is an
amazing track, please
listen to it. 

Have a goodnight
-May