(December 22nd, 2024)

I'm pretty sure whatever
psychotic disorder I have
is returning. Which isn't
surprising given I stopped
taking the meds. I am at
an impasse though, I stopped
taking the meds because they
made my depressive symptoms
worse, a lot worse. Plus I 
made really dumb decisions
on them, contacted my dad
on them, got in a car with 
him on them. I cannot tell 
if living with seeing figures
in the back of my vision,
voices, and whatever other
symptoms may spawn out of
my scrambled egg of a brain.
I bring this up mainly due 
to one incident. It happened
three hours ago if my count
is correct. Everything before
October really does not feel
like it exists. It brings me
back to the time I woke up
in the middle of the night
thinking that all of my 
memories were fabricated and
that if I left the room 
I'd cease to exist. At the
time I watched a lot of 
Kurzgesagt, so I'm not
surprised by that incident.
Still, I went through a short
half-hour incident where a
voice told me that this was
all a bad dream and that
killing myself would wake 
me up. That I was a woman
and that this was some sort
of nightmare, that my 
idealistic reality was based
off the reality I really lived.
Luckily, I just ran upstairs and
started crying and talking to
myself. I don't want to go
on antipsychotics again, I don't
know if it's worth living on
those itsy-bitsy colorless 
capsules, I might be sent to 
a psych ward, that'd kink the
flow of logs, maybe, I'm pretty
sure even toasters from the
70's have a ssh client built
into them. 

In summary, this entire day
was spent with me sitting on
the couch, giving my roommate 
a dirty look for no reason,
eating a bunch of chilli,
and then almost forgetting
to make a log tomorrow.

Tomorrow better not be worse
or I'm going to kick someone's
ass.

Goodnight SDF
-may