(December 21st, 2024)

I'm not dead, I know nobody
gives a fuck about me, so I'm
more or less leaving this as
an affirmation of sorts.
Thought about it a lot today,
talked with my friend about it.
Got an unexpected response from
him. He said that he'd always be
here for me and that he loves me,
platonically. This made me cry
a bit. Didn't change my thoughts,
I've been through this loop too
many times already. Feeling 
depressed as shit, having somebody
say something nice to me, then
feeling good for an hour, maybe
even a day. Then going back to
feeling miserable as reality
comes crashing back. I cannot 
have nice things, they blow
up in my face, or take advantage
of me. I don't want to take meds,
I don't want to feel fake 
hapiness, I just want to feel
normal. 

What is "normal" to me? 
Normal is a nothing phrase I
use, an idealistic paradise,
ironic given the implications
of normal. 

Today, I spent most of it in
the dark, staring at a wall.
Then resisting the urge to 
grab my knife and cut myself.
I want to start cutting people
out of my life, one by one, so
nobody gets hurt if I do the 
deed. Nobody except my mom would
really care for more than a month
anyways. I'd be forgotten in
a century and spend the rest
couple centuries only being
only existing through a few forgotten
scribbles in some long forgotten
file cabinet. I don't bring much
to the table. 

Spent the next part of my day on
a six mile walk to the gym and 
back. Took a wrong turn and ended
up in the shitty part of town, 
it was getting late and the sun
had gone down. Eventually, I ended
up at the gym, worked out arms 
and drank a gatorade. Walked 
home.

I don't feel well, I don't want
to be here anymore, I want to
see the lady in the radiator.