(December 20th, 2024)

I am starting to lose my mind it
seems. The deeper I go into this
state the more I start to believe
in psychological egoism. I feel
that I don't really hold onto 
people to help them at this point,
I really only do it so I don't feel
alone. I am a danger to everyone I'm
near, the id is getting louder than 
the ego and I'm starting to become
more aggressive because of it. I
just want to be alone, I don't want
to feel this sense of envy anymore.


Every social situation I'm in has me
in a thousand-yard-stare, staring into
space. Staring off into the lights like
a moth. I usually only speak enough to
get my point across or just enough to
get through a conversation. Then I 
expect people to care about my problems,
to care about me. I usually turn off
all the lights when I'm alone in the 
house. It's the only time I feel fine,
I feel more in-tune with everything else
and I can reflect. I wish I could live in
a low light environment and take suppliments
to balance out the vitamin D I'd be missing
out on. But that's both unrealistic and
extremely unhealthy however.


Where is this going? Why am I all the 
sudden in a horrible mood. I don't know.
Maybe it's just lonliness, maybe it's 
something more. Maybe it's shock, almost
got ran over today by some blind 
motherfucker. I hate trucks, nobody
in my town uses them for their intended
purpose, HAULING SHIT. Trucks are not
meant to be used as a family vehicle,
whoever sold that concept to the absolute
idiots in this country deserves multiple
raises. The one I ran into today, the
one that almost ran into my head like
a medieval battering ram was especially special. 
A raised 1985 Ford Ranger, the person
driving it was in their 60's. That thing
isn't hauling shit, you put anything
on that piece of rolling scrap metal
and it'll tumble like the house of
cards it is. Who the fuck decided that
raised trucks were a cool idea, they
look stupid and ruins the base
functionality of the truck. Along with
the whole bottom triangle of vision that
it removes. There's no benefits of
raising your truck except for saving 
whatever remnants of ego you have
after your fifth wife cheats on you.
I'd just gotten out of the gym, started
walking home, there's still enough daylight
out along with the horrendous amounts of
light pollution that follows with the
festive season to see a black cat in the
middle of asphalt. I'm crossing across 
where a starbucks meets the general 
housing section of my small town, 
this guy in his infinite wisdom 
decides to take a left during the
five second window I'm in the 
transition point between the 
parking lot and the road and
only misses me because I saw
his truck and took two steps 
back. I look directly at him
and do that "what the fuck are
you doing" pose, he doesn't
even look me, just keeps 
on driving. The rest of the
three mile walk home was spent 
contemplating if I had sustained
lethal head trauma and were 
just hallucinating the walk
home. Though, I am here writing
this, so I might be alive, maybe.
If I had a rock in that moment,
I would've blasted that guy's
windsheild and disappeared into
the endless suburban labyrinth
that started 10 feet away from
where I was. Though that wouldn't
have been smart, especially if
he would've caught me, we don't
have money to be paying for 
Mr. I only got my license renewed
because my son works at the DMV's 
windshield. 

The rest of the day was spent
in a depressive episode not 
even the cat could fix. This 
was before the gym, I left
for the gym at around 16:00.
I genuinely want to kill myself,
I even have a plan. My mom
got some SSRI's from CVS to
help me out. I might just
down the entire bottle one of
these days, knowing my luck
it'll only leave me in a 
state that made me wish I 
was dead. Still, my real only
reason to live, making sure
my friend makes it through
okay is slowly starting to 
wane. I have no future, 
I have no job prospects,
I'm in a world that outright
dehumanizes me for the fact
that I want to be a girl, 
and I don't really feel
any connection to my
family anymore. I feel
completely disconnected
from the world around me
with my only outlet to
what I consider reality
being my friend. I'll 
sleep on it though, I'm
still curious to see what
happens in the coming 
years, decades, and hell,
maybe even centuries. 
Curiosity is a strong,
driving factor.

I know nobody will read this,
and I don't expect anyone to.
Though this very well could 
be my last log depending on
how the rest of this night 
goes.

C'est fini
-may