(December, 19th 2024)

Today was something. I woke up,
spent most of the day with the 
cat. This thing is an antidepressant
taken by proximity. Purrs like
no tomorrow, it's always purring.

I spent most of today reflecting,
something that usually has no 
benefit for me, it makes me spiral.
I usually reflect after helping
somebody out of something. It's
theraputic, getting somebody out
of a slump. His problems are his
alone, I will not get into them
because it wouldn't be fair to him.

I am stuck in an emotional samsara of
sorts. Going back and fourth through
cycling emotions, going nowhere
yet still continuing forward, as it's
the deepest, most baked-in instinct 
in my mind. I feel that finally, I am
escaping it in some sectors of my life.
I will start to socially transition soon.
This with it brings even more problems
however.

My dad's side of the family. When I 
told them about my sexual orientation,
while they were fine with it, they
believed that I shouldn't tell my
cousin, as it might corrupt him.
Dogmatic republicans, telling them
the "bombshell" would only cause problems.
Get me ex-communicated. My little cousin
is a mess, he's the only reason I go 
over there at this point. I want to give
him a light, something to look forward
to in his life. He believes that all the
problems going on in the family, addiction,
disorder, disarray, are all his fault. 
I wish I could help him more, convince
his parents to get him a therapist,
somebody to at least talk to. If
it wasn't for him, I would've already
left, bid that era of my life goodbye
and move on. Being near them brings
problems, only problems.

Modest Mouse is a magical band. 
I was listening to their album
Building Nothing Out of Something.
While being depressing as hell,
the lyrics spoke to me, gave me
hope. I wanted to send a song from
the album but decided against it.

When I go to the gym, I feel I 
train more than just my muscle
groups. I train my confidence, 
telling myself that I matter in
some way, to somebody. Suicidal
thoughts appear when I feel isolated.
I have a hard time being alone,
feeling as if somebody cares about
me or depends on me is what keeps
me going. This isn't sustainable,
it hasn't been sustsainable, 
though maybe that's alright. 
We'll all float on, okay.

Goodnight SDF
-may