my subjective reality is broken
october 11th, 2000

yargh. my life has been filled with a number of little day-to-day 
annoyances which are taking their toll on my already wound-up stress level 
and leaving me curled up in a ball of utter frustration, biting my nails a 
whole lot.

it isn't anything really bad. on the whole, my life has been pretty calm 
and positive and full of pretty neat things. it's just that for the past 
two weeks, these little annoying, everyday things just keep building up 
and driving jackhammers into the base of my spine and making my head hurt 
in sympathy.

i keep waking up late. i keep rushing to class. i keep getting hung on 
things, tripping over things, falling. putting on jewelry is even a chore. 
i forget to tell people things. i forget what i'm supposed to be doing. i 
keep getting caught in traffic jams. i can't find any clothes. i can't get 
any of my homework done. i put a tape in the stereo - it gets eaten. i try 
to do something online for a class, my computer crashes. i clean house and 
spiders attack me. i find myself in a state of scurrying around trying to 
get my life under control and failing miserably. my finances are in a 
state of dissaray, my house looks as if something exploded in it, my 
daughter runs around like a wild savage laughing and destroying things and 
grabbing me around the legs when i'm trying to study for tests and bites 
me when i pick her up to cuddle her for a moment. and then laughs.

the evil aunt from hell is coming to visit. i don't have any more clean 
blue jeans. i haven't had a peaceful weekend where i did *absolutely 
nothing* in ages. i don't even know who i'm going to vote for in this next 
election. my mind is full of all this useless stuff and i don't have any 
time at all to do anything. it is as if all of my management skills have 
temporairly flown out the window. as if i'm out of synch with the physical 
universe. or maybe the gods are just mad at me. i don't know. maybe it's 
in the water.

last night it hit a peak and i said "fuck it." i threw my books down, put 
on some of Ash's favourite music, and danced around cleaning house and 
playing with her and just relaxing. i made myself camomille and spearamint 
tea, i took off my shoes. we had a really nice night, and it was so worth 
it and so needed. and while i didn't get a whole lot of studying done, i 
did just enough to get me by, and i think i did alright on my art history 
exam this morning.

anyway, i need to get to class. if anyone knows any lucky charms, let me 
know. maybe i just need to shift my perspective a little. my 
subjective-view-of-reality goggles are getting a little foggy.