a one-woman variety show
july 9th, 2000

i feel really horrible about the little jabs i made at my co-workers in my 
last entry. i can't imagine in a million years walking a mile in their 
shoes, but they've been nothing but generous and kind towards me, and 
kindness should always be repaid, even in small ways. and kindness is 
always something one should be grateful for, and it is something for which 
i am immensely grateful.

we finally got my daughter to wear shoes this weekend. she was not at all 
happy at first, but we demanded she stay in them, and eventually she grew 
used them, and started walking all around the place in her little pink 
shoes. walking on sidewalks, on gravel, everywhere. it was really cute. 
she begs to go outside now - she loves being outside. i can't really blame 
her...except on these really hot days. on these really hot days, i just 
want to curl up somewhere and sleep. sleep is a good thing, i don't think 
i get enough of it anymore. too much to do.

i've spent a weekend of housecleaning and baby-playing. i went grocery 
shopping yesterday and bought a couple of things for my job - pantyhose, 
purse, nice shoes - you know, all that stuff that i never owned before. 
it's good to have, i suppose, for situations like these. have started 
doing stomach crunches again - i've been trying desperately to stay on my 
diet, but there's just too much food i love too much. i'll eat a small 
breakfast, try to eat a small lunch, and then usually dinner is some big 
wonderful something that i want to eat a lot of because it's good, and 
then there are all those little snacks of white cheddar popcorn and ice 
cream bars...and it's difficult, because i'm struggling with the whole 
"even though you're bigger now than you've ever been before, you're just 
in the upper margin of your ideal weight, and you're feeling really 
healthy, so stop worrying and just enjoy!" versus "jesus, you're so pudgy, 
what the hell's this loose pouch of skin hanging there and when is it 
going to go away, all the girls on television could fit inside you three 
times!" and i try to tell myself that i simply look fatter than i really 
am because i have absolutely no torso, and if i were taller and stretched 
out more then i'd actually have just some really nice voluptuous curves 
and i wouldn't just look...thick. but i also remember the days when people 
would call me such a "skinny little thing" and used to be worried that i 
might be carried off by the wind, and now people avoid the topic of my 
weight as if the very mention of the subject might bring on the 
apocolypse, and if i question anyone about it, there are very creative 
complacent tones, such as "well, you know, devon, i think you actually 
look more attractive now that you're meatier," or "you really don't have a 
whole lot of fat, it's all just loose skin, really - just do some sit-ups 
and it'll go away."

mostly, though, i'm just frustrated with myself that my weight is such a 
big issue. i *know* i'm not overweight. i'm a perfectly healthy mass for 
my size, and i look totally average. and still, i feel like i should be 
the little anorexic stick-figure that i always struggled to achieve but 
never quite reached in high school. i don't understand why i let society's 
standards of what is beautiful interfere with my own self-image. and in 
order for me to achieve such a degree of underweightness that would 
satisfy me, i would have to starve myself to a ridiculous and unhealthy 
degree.

i hate the fact that beauty is determined by our measurements. and worse 
than that, i hate the fact that i buy into it.

but anyway.

vh1 aired a monkees marathon a couple of weeks ago, which i taped but just 
now got around to watching (since i just recently got my television hooked 
up in my trailor)...as dorky as it may be, i love the monkees. i love the 
television show, and i love the music, but mostly, i love the movie, head. 
bizareness in a can. needless to say, i wasn't surprised when i learned 
that the bulk of the film was written with the four of them and jack 
nicholson all stoned, sitting around a tape recorder. it's just that kind 
of movie. it's just a lovely mix of the complete bizarre, deep and hidden 
meanings, a world totally in symbols, and silliness and music. and if that 
makes me a dork, so be it.

while i was housecleaning, i played a lot of the music videos i taped when 
i was really young. (i used to be *quite* the mtv baby. back when it 
played stuff like "the state" and "liquid television". i don't know what's 
happened to it, honestly.) i am always impressed by the variety of music i 
listened to. my videos ranged from bjork to siouxsie to meat loaf to the 
black crowes to pearl jam to guns n roses to def leppard to tori amos. i 
think i have a very "variety is the spice of life" about everything. there 
is very little that i simply *do not* like. and it's funny - music that 
used to annoy the hell out of me when i was younger (sausage, beastie 
boys, helium) i actually really like when i hear it now. oh, and another 
dorky fact about me...possibly my all-time favourite video is "if i only 
had a brain" by mc 900 ft jesus. you know, the one with the guy in the box 
shipping himself to the brain factory, or whatever? i love that video.

and so it is known widely - i'm just a geeky, trendy dork.

i finished reading cages and i'm still not sure what i thought about it. i 
mean, i liked it, but i think it's one of those things you have to read a 
few times to truly understand. it also seems to be one of those books that 
you can read things into, that will mean something different to you every 
time you read them. i have a lot of books like those, and i love them all. 
now, i'm beginning the harry potter adventures, and i must admit that they 
are very entertaining thus far. there is something very comforting in 
knowing that much of the nation's youth is being entertained by this. that 
children are once again being sucked into pages of magical adventures and 
outlandish tales. kids don't get enough of that nowadays, at least i don't 
think. though it is kind of weird because my grandmother wants to read 
this book when i am finished with it.

at any rate, i need to sweep and mop floors, clean bathrooms, you know. 
fun stuff.

"open your eyes, get up off your chair
there's so much to do in the sunlight,
give up your secrets, and let down your hair,
and sit with me here by the firelight."
- the monkees, "as we go along"